Intense day.

Classes from 830 to 1130, and then from 1230 to 1730. One has to admit starting a week like this is just intense- remember I don't have any classes on Mondays? Ring any bells? Good.

So I got back the mythology essay I thought I fucked up severely. It turned out to be fine, at least it wasn't that bad. 11.5 out of 15. I guess I can't ask for too much more since I haven't really put TOO much effort in it. Handed in the second out of the four essays I need to write for the course and the prof seems to be alright with my arguments. Anyway, it isn't really anything important.

So let's go on about reporting the day (it would pretty much be all the major happenings in the week anyway). Then the stage management lecture. It seemed fine, at least I was one of the few who actually spoke up and stuff. And I shouldn't forget buying a ticket to see Vincent in Brixton, partly for the course, partly for entertainment. Yeah, and the acting class was as intense as usual, energy draining but rewarding and valuable. Really. At least this is the class from which I learn the most. Good that my prof said I did something good and stuff- maybe I shouldn't really go into detail since they don't really matter for you guys. Those aren't really anything too special/serious anyway.

Well, I have a German test tomorrow and I am tired. But I don't feel like sleeping yet- there must be some mysterious spirits whispering words into my head.

Actually not much thoughts or anything like that are planned to be written in this post. Just that I haven't talked to any of my co-/1st years today because of my massive amount of classes on Tuesdays, and I feel a bit, I don't know. Actually I have talked with a couple of people during and between classes and it was okay. Someone from my acting class said I am really fun to work with. I honestly don't really know how to take compliments. I just told her 'only when I'm not tired or feeling lazy'. Still wondering how to reply to compliments. Should I go for the fake passionate 'REALLY? OH THANKS!', the cold and weird 'Really. Uh. Hm. Thanks.', or should I stick to my as-honest-as-possible answer (as in the reply I actually used)? It doesn't matter much, does it? Or do those Canadians take these little things seriously? Wouldn't know.

Still wondering if my play would be chosen. Today was the deadline- and I hope the play arrived at their hands, at least. What else? Yeah, I will be done with everything about this semester on 18th April. Afterwards I am completely free. Hong Kong and a S(pring)ummer-job probably.

Oh, I am trying to make a skirt from an old T-shirt and a top of mine. Yes, a skirt. For some reasons I want one to wear with my pants/jeans sometimes. 'Which ones?' One might ask. The big loose white and dark-blue stripes one that I always wear when I am in a hurry for classes in Flekke is the top. And the T-shirt is the long, grey one with a purple clown's head in the middle. I am still thinking about if I should chop the clown T-shirt up since I kind of like it. But... I really would like to see what I can make out of those two big pieces of cloth- you guys might see the result, might not. Vittu will see it at home for sure.

Anyway, I should off to bed or think a bit about what I should do with the skirt idea.

Have fun! (Apparently I am in a semi-good mood today, and it should last for a couple of days- t'least until next Tuesday.)

P.S. People on another floor in my residence building are organizing a coming-out party for one of the guys on that floor. I was somehow asked if I wanna go there- yeah, why not? But the excuse/reason was a little bit funny I think... well it's a good thing though. I admire people who dare to admit who they are.

Just like I admit that I am a madcap monkey.

Although sometimes I only call myself a monkey, or a madcap.

Okay, okay...

... 3 posts in a row. I know, I know.


Don't know if anyone has heard of the 'wear sunscreen' speech. Thanks to Kaboom, I have a copy of that song made out of the speech again. It is called 'Everybody is free (to wear sunscreen' or something similar, made by an Australian director or something. (It actually wasn't even a real grad. speech- check it out at Wiki and you'll know.)

Talking about speeches. Our grad. speech, anyone?

I was bored enough to...

...read my old posts. The ones back in August. It feels funny to read what I wrote before. In a sense I am still the same person because I still agree with the things I rant about. Then again I somehow have lost creativity and the ability to think wild. Look at the post about wondering the Pepsi can. How did I come up with that thought? And the paragraph about planes going to heaven or hell. How? I might have changed. I have been reporting my life more than writing down my thoughts these days. Maybe since I left Hong Kong, or should I say, since I arrived at Canada? Or honestly maybe because I was drinking when I was writing those posts back in August. You never know. Derek with nothing to do and easy access to alcohol in Hong Kong... you know what it makes. Anyway.

Has university life done me any good yet? I can't tell. At least there aren't any people I am too interested in making good friends with. Either give me 20 minutes to sense if you are the right person and to open up fully and make damn good friends with you, or just stay as hi-bye friends for as long as can be. Oh I am trying too hard to write something and now it just sounds like I am totally milking myself.

Where are you madcap? When are you coming back?

Help me look for him, okay?

Let's just write something.

My weekend was actually semi-productive.

At least I tried to study for my German test, although the dative case and the massive amount of vocab is still killing me. Anyway the test will be on Wednesday so I still have some time. And I surprisingly finished the readings for my mythology class on Tuesday. Not only that, I actually started to write an essay for the coming Tuesday while I can choose to write for the next week or even the one after. Weird me. Hopefully I would be able to finish it tomorrow- as you all remember, I have Mondays FREE!

It has been pouring outside this weekend. So it eliminated the chance for me to wander around Vancouver. Maybe it is a good thing as I have been slacking off a lot last week. So today is Chinese New Year. Honestly I don't care too much about it. There was some wanna-be Chinese food at the canteen for dinner today. I never trusted the wanna-be foreign food there so I didn't try. My floormates apparently didn't like what they get. Lucky enough for me to get a burger and fries. Oh my, am I turning North American? Ah well. Let's hope not. Yeah, so I had a pretty bad week actually. Hope things will go better in the coming one.

Single life is still weird for me. Apparently I am getting over it, but on the other hand it is just weird that I have no one to miss and to care about so much in that sense anymore. Of course I still care about my friends from Flekke, but you all know what I mean. It is just weird. Does everyone treat love and relationships as important as I do? How about those people who party or study or work all the time? Are they just pretending not to care, but deep in their heart, the craving for love and affection is creeping up their throat? Then again I am not craving for a relationship with anyone I guess. You don't just switch to heroin after being rescued from a cocaine OD. At least I would still on one hand be scared of ODing on cocaine again, but on the other hand secretly wish for more of it. But after an overdose, the fear increases and thus lowers the level of addiction in a sense. Then again one gets so used to it and would not like to switch to some other ones- at least not in a short period of time. One gets good quality of that in a place called Flekkeland, by the way. Then, the time of recovering from an OD comes. That's the time when legal and less potent things come up- for example cigarettes. One just start to make hi-bye friends like smoking cigarettes. It only occupies one a short period of time and the effect is no way as strong as any of the hard drugs. Except giving you short period of illusions of relaxation or concentration, in the long run it does not do any good. You find cigarettes everywhere anyway. How about alcohol then? Alcohol is always there for you. It makes you feel warm and light. It sometimes makes you hyper, sometimes makes you sleep tight. When you are happy, it makes you happier. When you are sad, it makes you forget. Ironically, the best place to get alcohol is also Flekke, and you get good alcohol there. It can get as addictive and dangerous as, in this case cocaine, but it is way less dangerous in a sense. Alcohol poisoning is possible, but not as easy as a cocaine overdose.

No, I am not a cocaine addict. I don't use it. I am just merely trying to use it as a bad metaphor of tonight's madcap laughs.

Oh, and how could I forget the most productive talk with Vittu on Saturday? It was even more productive than the working proccess of our graduation speech. By the way, does anyone by any chance have a soft copy of the speech? I remember I or Vittu sent some to people who asked, and interestingly I lost it for some weird reasons. I just suddenly wanted to read it again.

For some reasons I don't want to end this post here, maybe writing a diary sort of thing makes me think of I am either talking to myself or someone- but I can't think of too much to say though. Let's just wind up here and if I think of more to write instead of going to sleep, I'll write another post.

Fight on. Don't let the machines get you.

Franz Ferdinand is going to Hong Kong in February.

As title. You might think I don't like any other kind of music than metal. You are horribly wrong. :P

But yes. I won't be in Hong Kong in February, of course... even if I would like to, for the gig.

Vittu, jealous that they actually go to Hong Kong?

Another rather pointless post.

Title? Don't need one for this post.

I found out there is something called 'recover post' on blogger. It's just under the bold, italics, links and shit row... miracle. Or maybe y'all knew about it.

I know, I know, I should do something. But I am not going out in the city under such weather conditions...

I don't get it- I have changed my display name, but why are my posts still just signed by d.? Where's the madcap? Or maybe it will change a while later. Stop panicking, madcap.

EDIT: I even changed the title. For some reasons I think it sounds better.

Pink layout

I don't know why. I changed the picture and the layout. For some reasons I want a new 'poem' under the blog title also. So there you go, everything changed.

And don't ask why I picked pink. There are no special reasons for that.

So I am done for the week- until next Tuesday. Don't have much to do, except little bit of reading and a German test on Wednesday. I have started to use German words and pronounciations unintentionally during conversations, on and off the internet. Komisch. Ach well, that means my German is getting better and better I guess, doesn't it? I should finish the last bit (quite a big bit) of vodka, so that I won't have access to any alcohol when I have to study. Good idea, no?

Good to hear A. and Z. have got blogs also. Now the 2005 RCN grad blog 'community' (sorry, I don't mean to exclude those who don't have one... but get one then g*d damn it.) literally ranges from a to z. What am I talking about? I am just trying to be funny under the influence of the drink. And I know it's not working. EDIT: now when I think about it, it is more like Zh rather than Z alone, right?

Hmm, vittu- Wir mussen zurück gehen und ich natürlich muss nach Handystadt gehen auch. Und warum schreibe ich auf deutsch... anyway- Handystadt... I like this name. But yep, now I know that Merja likes me and probably Raimo will offer me more muna... then Handystadt has become kind of a must for me- and of course Timi looooooooooooooooooooooooves me (using his comb).

Not the best week I could have had

So the week has gone by half. And it was not exactly the best I've had.
The Sunday was nice and all, just that the old UWCers are a bit too old to be connected to. Then of course I slacked off on Monday which I have no classes- so on Tuesday during the mythology class I found out I made a major plot mistake in my synopsis. I will see how it goes, eh? And then the stage management class was okay. Nothing special. And the acting class was a little bit weird. I was just not there for some reasons. I was physically there but- probably some weird dreams from the night before was bugging me subconsciously. I will try to talk about the dream later on. Actually except that... the week was just plain. Usual things, you know, talking to random people, having meals with the same people, watching tv with nearly the same people...

So today, I forgot to do the biography of a choreographer for my stage management class. The teacher just said 'oh, whatever'. Maybe she was pissed off, maybe she just really meant 'whatever' as in it would not matter. Ah well, at least I made some good points and stuff during the rest of the class.

I finally made up my mind and send my script to the theatre company which is going to hold a festival in may-june. I will talk about how it goes when I know.

Oh my first year left me a message on msn saying she had something to tell me, but unfortunately I was in my stage management class so I missed the chance to gossip, or hearing her ranting. Ah well, I am looking forward to the piece of news she's gonna bring. Maybe something funny, maybe something shocking, maybe something not that interesting at all.

And the dream on Monday night. It was inflicted by vodka use. I have some vodka left from the UWC party on Sunday, so I just have been drinking it whenever these days. I don't remember, or I don't want to remember too much about the dream actually. It was, on the surface, not a nightmare at all. It was warm and rich, like a cup of good coffee in the morning. But the thing is, there are things that are so warm and rich that you never want them to end. And let's not mention if you consciously know that they are just a dream or your own imagination. Weird.

I know I don't have a lot of deep or seems-to-be-deep thoughts posted on my blog these days. Can't help it, sorry. I am getting better over It, but it's not like it does not bother me anymore. And I have got a feeling that my classes this semester are gonna be a bit more difficult that I thought- AND I have to plan my trip after april, and not forgetting to find an apartment or a room to move out to before too late.

Selma has been living in my head these days. Selma from Dancer in the Dark, in case you don't know. Go check it out if you don't.

'And the man you'll marry, the home you'll share...'
and she sings:
'To be honest, I really don't care.'
I am jealous. Jealous that she can be so devoted to one person that she's willing to give her own life up. Where is mine then? Thought I have it, and now it's gone.

'You're gonna have to find out for yourself...'
There are so many things to think about, as I have said before. And I really wanna do well in the acting class. Maybe I am just still too self-conscious of myself sometimes. No. I AM. Being self-conscious in a sense that I fucking care what I am doing, not like I care how people see what I am doing. Hard to explain.

'Why do I love you so much? What kind of magic is this?'
Theatre, why? You, why?

And finally...

'If living is seeing, I'm holding my breath.
I wonder, and wonder what happens next.'

Do you know that feeling? The feeling you get before falling asleep. Not the feeling of being sleepy. It is like, you feel that everything is spinning and time is running so fast, and your head is like a raging river, like a ejaculation that every single thought, every single memory, every single fantasy runs by so quickly that you cannot hold onto it. Like, you know, in movies when someone dies, the montage of flashbacks and wishes- but played 100 times faster. So fast that the sound is altered too, so fast that the sound spins with the image in your head. Colours don't exist either. They just blend in hard and quick in the form of hair-thin spirals. You cannot actually see the images, even with your eyes closed. But you just KNOW what the images are. It's like floating in water in darkness. Not floating on the surface, but just suspending in the middle, without the suffocating feeling. But in fact nothing is moving. Nothing is flowing and time is ticking away slow enough to make you think it has stopped while not making anyone else think so.

Do you?

Selma, do you?

Time to have a shot or two before going to see my acting prof's performance.
I have time.

Or do I?

By kids...

I'm refering to my first years, rabbit ;)

And yes. I finished my 750ml of gin from 1230 to now (0100)...
and the party wasn't that much fun anyways. Talked to a few people and it was nice and all that. But somehow my untouched-by-me-vodka is only quarter full. For some reasons. Anyway. At least people appreciate good vodka.

People are now coming back from the ball thingy. Full of formally dressed people walking back. It's kinda funny.

I actually feel like kinda a girl sometimes. I'd like to be invited more then to invite. I'd like to feel safe within someone's arms and bosom rather than holding someone and make him/her safe. I don't know. Maybe I'm just stereotyping.

Anyway. I will write more when I'm sober again.

Vittu- stop flirting with the bartender- I read your msn message, eh? And well, give me your damn phone number and I'll phone ya. Some time.

P.S. The phone number thing applies to everyone who reads this blog- just give me a phone number and I'll phone ya when I feel like.

I thought I would write more...

but apparently I didn't that night.

Went out to get Stoli and Gordon's on friday afternoon (and the hat, of course). So I am supposed to open the bottles tonight at Carolina's place, but well, as you all know, I... uh, cannot resist having bottles which are not empty lying around. So there we go. Gordon's first. I think I have really got over it already (or else I wouldn't write about it I guess). Anyway. It's not like I have a lot to say about that anymore. I said I can get over things within a week's time, or I can choose to never get over it. I think my little brain told me to get over it. It has been two week or so, I don't remember. I honestly... don't care too much. I am only 19, and I have more important things to think about. Theatre. Surviving with theatre. Friends whom I met in Flekke. Visiting them, keeping in contact with them, metting new people in SFU, getting to know the theatre profs in SFU, etc. Vittu, no. I once made Her equally important as theatre in my head. Not anymore. So Berlin may still be possible, provided you are still trying to apply for that theater thing in good o'Suomi and y'know, that we have enough money.

By the way folks, who's going back for the kids' grad? Vittu you just HAVE to go with me. I even thought of how would our 'opening' be. Walk straight into the kantine, pick up a dirty glass and knife, stand beside the place we put our dirty dishes and just 'ding, ding, ding, ding, ding', stand there and say nothing, and wait for the kids to come and hug us/beat us up/not recognizing us...

Geez, gin and vodka. No, not gin and tonic. Gin and vodka. Tastes good.

Days are getting busy...

I actually don't feel like writing too much yet. Maybe I will write more after dinner. Going to Carolina (our Polish second year)'s place for a UWC party thing on saturday. And we are kinda obliged to bring some weird fruit with us. So I went to get two mangoes today. Uh, and of course a little bit of gin and vodka-

Ah remember I went somewhere to look for a hat a week or two ago? I found one today, surprisingly at the little sketchy mall nearby SFU. I really never thought I could find anything useful there, except groceries... but well, things just don't happen expectedly I guess. At least I found a hat that I like now.

Hmm... should I list the work I have to do? Well I will just do a brief description: a mythology essay, read Macbeth for my acting class, list out all the positions and their relationships of National Ballet Canada, read some more mythology, Deutsch... It seems like my life is getting a little bit more colorful.

I found out people like to smile at me somehow. Maybe I look funny, or maybe I just look weird. For example today on the way back to SFU, hundreds of people were getting off the bus I was waiting for. I was sitting on a bench, elbow on my knees and head in my hands, looking a bit tired (two mangoes and two liters of liqour IS heavy)... then a girl went off the bus, looked at me, gave me a smile and walked away. Weird. That was only 1 example out of maybe 10s I encounter when I went out today... Do I look funny?

Bullshitting when you have nothing to bullshit is a torture- I'd better start writing my mythology essay or something. I might write more later on.

By the way, I am writing a play for a theatre festival, anyone who's interested please just drop me a line so I can send you the draft, and you give me feedback in return.

Shine on.

I like watching cartoons.

Spending much more time in the common (TV) room on my floor, I found out I still haven't grown out of watching cartoons. From classics like the Flinstones, Mickey Mouse to more politically incorrect South Park and the Simpsons. I don't know why, but I am just not too into those teenage or adult shows like Lost, CSI or the OC. Maybe watching cartoons helps keeping my inner child alive, or maybe I am just another wanna-be Peter Pan, who flies and never grows up.

I found out Dunhill cigarettes are cheaper than Camel here, because Camel is imported. There are, of course cheaper Canadian cigarettes around, but I just cannot stand the bad and cheap taste of them. I am killing myself anyway, why not making it a little bit more enjoyable? HA. Talk about inner childs. The topic of smoking doesn't really connect well with cigarette smoking, does it?

Anyway the guy in the store surprisingly remembers me buying Camel regularly (while I thought it is the only decent cheaper brand here, before the Dunhill discovery)- he also remembers me asking about the price of rolling tobacco, and before I asked, he told me he still haven't figured out the price. It is kind of surprising that he actually remembers. Ah well, maybe there aren't too many long-haired Chinese guys buying cigarettes around here.

So free Monday has soon come to an end, tomorrow will be a whole day of classes. I still haven't figured out what is going on in Hesiod's Theogony- the genesis story of Greek mythology. I just can't keep wondering how the ancient Greek understand his stuff when more than 100 names appear within 1000 lines of the epic. Anyway, I am off to play some games- I am just sick of reading Greek mythology at the moment. Still got Ovid's Metamorphesis to read later tonight. Hope I won't suck too much or make myself look stupid in the lecture + tutorial (which comes RIGHT afterwards with the same prof.- he himself said the arrangement is a little bit stupid).

Shine on. (Sorry T., I just can't stop myself stealing part of your blog title...)

Haven't written for a while.

So it's the start of another school week. Fortunately I don't have any classes on mondays as it was raining like hell today. But then I was thinking of going out and look for a hat somewhere in the city today- and it seems like I'll have to postpone this plan to weekend or something like that.

I haven't done much since I last wrote. I haven't thought much either. The rough draft of the play I was talking about is done, which means in one week's time it can probably be sent to the theatre company. Oh wait. I need to get cheques for entrance fee, and I probably need a resumé and a cover letter included. Seriously, anyone here knows how to write a proper resumé? I have no idea how to do formal stuff, as you all know. I am especially impaired in this field.

Now I am sitting in my room, hugging my fresh, clean, warm laundry which was just picked up from the drying machine. I like it. So rare that my laundry smells nice and feels warm. The room is really cold because I have to open my window in order not to suffocate myself in here. I just don't feel like moving because my warm laundry bag is making me lazy.

Wrote back to Her today since I didn't really have anything to do in the morning (in fact nearly in all mornings). It's good to hear from her at least.

Maybe I should go for my 3rd morning cigarette and then brunch. My body says it'd like nicotine with dining-hall food for brunch.

By the way, I actually might pick up the idea of going back to flekke again. Just a matter of when and how- vittu I guess I will most probably go with you since we actually kinda seriously planned it before, considering we rarely really plan anything, this time we should stick to the plan (or have we actually planned anything at all?).

He doesn't know what hides in the mist.
The madcap laughs the madcap laughs and he shines on.
So should you all.
Shine on.

100th post

Yeah. The 100th post. Nothing special actually.

I have got better I guess. Maybe I have got over it already. Whatever is the best for her. It's not like I'll burn all the pictures and letters and throw away all the tokens, just that I finally accepted the reality maybe. Fireworks don't last. Dreams don't last. It was a nice dream in spite of the slightly tragic ending. Ah well, what more can I ask for? The fireworks was beautiful. Damn beautiful. Now even the smell of gunpowder is gone. Time to go and have a shot of vodka or see some other fireworks. It's not like I will erase the memory like Joel and Clementine did, I will still be there whenever I'm needed. But it's just a different kind I guess. I am not sure how to describe it, but I know it's different now. If you happen to stumble across this post and we have not talked yet, good luck with the future ones, eh? (Well the future ones can be me again also, who knows? :) )

I am fine otherwise, except the mornings. I don't really have classes on mornings, so I don't really have anything to do. Plus the bad and confused state of mind I have in the morning, the hours before noon are a little bit difficult to pass. But I will eventually get over it anyway.

There is like a little theatre festival thing coming up, and asking for directors or playwrights. I have a time till the 31st to send in a script and hope they'll choose mine. It's not like I'll get paid or become famous or something like that. Just a way to get myself known or just to find something to occupy my time. I will see what kind of script I will turn in. Before that I have to buy a cheque book so I can send the admission/application/whatever fee also. 10 or 15 bucks. Fair enough.

So N. the German called today. It was just damn nice to hear from him. Nice chat, nice chat eh? But apparently the credit on his cell ran out during the call... so it was a hurried and weird finish. Then again I feel honoured, ha-ha. For me! The credit ran out during calling me! Oh my. Anyway.

Supposingly going to a UWC gathering tonight, if my indian neighbour picks me up, that is. Hopefully it will be kind of fun, at least it will occupy me a few hours' time on a Friday night. I shouldn't forget I have to pick up Lukas also... then again I have no alcohol with me. Not a drop. Oh I am turning into such a healthy boy.

Ah and G. the Pol (?) told me a couple days ago that he'll most probably be joining me here next fall. Sounds like something that I am looking forward to. Wonder what he wants to study. Pop me a line if you are reading this.

'If living is seeing, I'm holding my breath.'
A line of lyric in Björk's song, New World, from Selmasongs, the OST of Dancer in the Dark. Beautiful. Then again, I've Seen it All is always the best from the album. The duet is just beautiful. Beautiful again.

Shine on.

Discovery

Hi folks, after a few entries of depressing thoughts, I have decided to write a short, more lightweight post before I take off to the bank and maybe look for a hat.

I found nice free alternatives to some programs that we might need everyday-
Foxit Reader is a good substitute of Adobe PDF Reader. It also allows you to change .pdf files I think. Haven't tried it yet but that's what the website says. Try it. It is a lot faster than Adobe PDF Reader or whatever it is called.

And if you don't want to spend 100s of dollars buying MS Office, try downloading OpenOffice.org. It has basically all the equivalents. Just different names.

All of the interfaces look exactly the same as the 'original' programs, so no troubles about re-learning how to use the programs.

Now I am off to do nothing but just away from the residence. Maybe I will write more later, maybe not.

Shine on.

Hilf mir!

Okay, I really need some help.
First of course about what happened and how it makes me feel.
Second the jetlag. It's 350am and I am fucking awake. I fell asleep at 730om last night. If it goes on like this I will for sure go insane. I know I wouldn't be able to stand the 1-2 week proccess of getting over the jetlag.

Songs

Mom asked about me and Her.
I don't know what to say.
I did tell her she is the one.
I really did.

Songs. Usually my iPod random songs madly and rarely does fit the right mood. What a crazy little girl it is. Schneeli. We picked the name together, kind of. Anyway. But today Schneeli was playing the right songs on shuffle.

Now Playing: suicide is painless- Marilyn Manson

Oh wonderful.

Mist.

It's been raining last night. So it seems to be a custom up on the SFU mountain that mist or fog comes afterwards. It is misty and confusing. Yet it is so exciting- because you cannot see what's ahead of you and it sort of gives you a little glimmer of hope, whether false or not.

Spent some time buying books and talking to Her sister today. She is shocked also. She wants to talk to her also. Ah you, N. G., leave a comment if you actually read my blog. I would be glad you read my stuff.

I really appreciate the ability of younger people to handle things. I think Her sister is a very good example. Just turned 15(?) in September, but I can see so much maturity and determination in her suggestions and advices, and so much warmth and care in her comforts and understandings. Fifteen. Maybe because we are both Virgos, maybe because she just is similar to me. I don't know. Suddenly I realized she has really become a close friend of mine. Not one like the ones I met in Flekke, maybe she has become a little sister of mine also. Who knows? She is going to turn into a great person in a few years' time I am sure. Maybe she knew quite a lot about the whole thing already, maybe she doesn't really know too much until I told her so much today. The thing is, she actually does understand pretty much the whole situation, my thoughts, maybe Her thoughts too within an hour or two. She actually made me feel so much better because she understood my mistakes before winter in a flash of light. Sigh. If it was really not because of someone else, I still sense a little bit glimmer of hope. Maybe I am just dreaming again.

Was chatting a little bit with one of the dining hall staff and surprisingly she remembers I'm the happy guy who is going to Switzerland to meet up with his girlfriend for winter. Got a little 'good luck' from her. Got to know that she tried to quit smoking on the 4th of January or something, which was her husband's birthday. Then that nice lady smile and said, 'what the hell, it was my man's birthday. I don't want to connect that day with quitting smoking.' And of course she haven't quitted. It was her new year resolution she told me. I said to her, 'well, things happen and go well when you don't plan them. But once you get damn serious and have plans and expectations, they always fall apart. At least they don't go the same way as they were planned.' Well it wasn't the exact wordings but she did agree with me.

Oh I finally went to get my books for my Classical Mythology course. Ha- I know I am taking some random courses. Calculus last semester, Mythology this. Mythology is going to be fun though. I guess it will just be a little bit of analysing stories which were written thousands of years ago. Nothing bad I guess. Just a little bit sad that it is all about Greek mythology but nothing Norse or something else.

I have thought about getting to the liqour store today. But then... first, I have classes tomorrow. And second, She doesn't like me drinking like that. Third, Her sister was so worried that I would do something to hurt myself. *whispers to myself: it's not really like I have done absolutely nothing but yeah...* So, maybe draining half a litre of vodka down my throat is a little bit unwise. Then again I do miss the old days before Norwray a little bit. Hiding in my room late at night, gulping down vodka shots after shots. It was the time when Smirnoff was still above-average. Ah well. So maybe I shouldn't get any today. I will keep my hope and wait until everything is absolutely clear, and then I will know for sure if the time will come.

Anyway, maybe I should read some of my mythology books for fun. People are having classes anyway. There isn't much I can do at the moment. Oh wait- my mom is talking to me on MSN.

Shine on.

It's raining...

... and I don't really have anything to do. Most people have moved back in, but still it is quiet 'round here. Talked to vittu and T. quite a lot today and well, I can't really say if I got better and worse. In a way I learnt new things and forgot old. Maybe I haven't forgotten the old. I don't know. I just can't keep wondering if it is what it appears to be or if it is actually something which everybody around me knows but not me. But I also keep reminding myself that I am no one to care about it anymore. Usually things are like, you know, the valuable part was the experience, the part about how you did the thing, and the outcome is not as important in comparison. In this case I would really just want to convince myself that this time it is not like this. That was it and we are done with it. Burn the photos, tear the letters, drop the gifts and erase the memory. Or what can I do? I am not really making sense here, I know. It sort of feels like that I am already over it, I don't really know. It really depends what lies behind. Have I been really told everything or have I been told nothing?

Then again, who am I now to care?
Not really anyone too special anymore I guess.

Got to wake up early to get books tomorrow.

Maybe it is time to move on. Or is it? I said that I can get over a person in a snap, and I can also never get over a person, it all depends on what I decide to do. I am not very sure but I'm drifting towards the former. It might be better for me and also for everyone else. Then I would not have suicide thoughts, alcoholic tendencies (that I know I always will have), and also I would not go around and whine like a cry baby as I always have been like.

Sausages really do expire I guess, some pigs live long, some live short, some just don't die. I guess soon I will know what kind I am. At least I hope.

P.S. If anyone of you wants to kill yourself by slashing wrists, listen to my advice and don't. It: a) takes a hell lot of effort and time if you don't have a decent blade; b) takes around 30 minutes even if you have a decent one. a) is partly by personal experience, b) is just something I read in a book. Try carbon monoxide though, you fall asleep and you look pretty afterwards- you do get a reddish pinkish blush on your cheeks when you are really done.

By the way don't trust the word 'forever' and just, don't really use it when it comes to something serious. Don't trust it either.

Tja.

Oh wonderful.

I don't know.

Hoppala.

Hopp-la.

Know where those come from?

So that's it.

So what happens now?
Where am I going to?

So back in Canada

That was a long travel.
Well, things are still not clear. But no matter what, all the people who are supporting me, it really is nobody's fault. So don't blame anyone of us or something, yeah? Be nice, kiddos.
So the flight was long. Everything brings up memories of course. Well I'm not gonna elaborate that here. I did it on paper during my flights already.
Actually there aren't much to say. I might smoke less and drink more. And yes, I don't really feel like writing, talking or whatever-ing much at the moment. You know, 9 fucking hours of time difference is something to overcome. And I have to get over it in roughly 2 days. Wunderbar.
I was checked by security guys again. Airport security. This time more than a few questions- I was actually brought in the quiet scary sector, getting my bags cleared, sniffed by dogs (although the dog was kinda sweet, it still feels scary- what if it just goes crazy and barks at me? Then I'll be screwed), etc. Weird. Those guys always talk to themselves but are actually talking to you, and they check the least suspecious things I carry, but left the most suspecious (bigger) backpack for the stupid x-ray machine. :-Airport security. There was another guy apparently on some drugs being questioned and it was kind of fun to overhear the conversation though. And it is funny how airport security or police question suspects... it just sounded like a mom trying to get something out of her 50year-old son.
Weird.

Anyway, I don't think I would actually say much about the result here though. You guys'd better ask me personally or something. Or I will start telling you guys. By the way vittu, I lost your phone number, so... WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
And Kaboom- you still haven't given me yours as you promised. T., I only have your cellphone number isn't it?

Phew. Sounds like I am really gonna call you all if you give me your numbers. Ah well, who knows?

Question of the day: Joel woke himself up in the movie, why can't I?

Ha- you guys. Having fun chatting away on my blog or what?
I have been trash-posting a little during this break. Ah well, give me a break. You guys know me.

Guess on and hopefully we will all know the outcome.

Honestly I don't quite know yet.
And there are 4 days left before my flight back to SFU.
Hmm, I will have a free monday though (I think). Nice. That means I will have ONE day to buy the books I need for the next semester. Yay.

New Year

Hey people it is not THAT bad- just we're not sure.
I am not turning into an alcoholic yet.
Yet.