stolen from n.

TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR FINGERS: derek
CHIN: derek (p.s. honestly i did that with my chin)
ONE FINGER WITH EYES CLOSED: derek (i really did not cheat)
ELBOW: de4r5te4erkl
LIPS: derek
PALM: frtrk
BACK OF HAND: dddddddddddddddddererfl
NOSE: eer

-----------------DESCRIBE--------------- ---

-- YOUR HERITAGE: asian, chinese, maybe with a tint of... some alien species
-- THE SHOES YOU WORE TODAY: my dark red leather boots
-- YOUR EYES: deep brown
-- YOUR WEAKNESS: imagination and creativity, which is also my strength
-- YOUR FEARS: losing my weakness(strength)
-- ONE THING YOU'D LIKE TO ACHIEVE: Be independent of anything worldly

-----------------WHAT IS------------------

-- YOUR FIRST THROUGHTS WAKING UP THIS MORNING: good. no hangover.
-- YOUR BEDTIME: whenever i want to
-- YOUR GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: established myself as myself
-- YOUR MOST MISSED MEMORY: second year in flekkeland

-----------------YOU PREFER------------------

-- PEPSI OR COKE: p.
-- MCDONALD'S OR BURGER KING: neither
-- SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: single
-- ADIDAS OR NIKE: neither
-- CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: neither
-- CAPPUCCINO OR COFFEE: coffee. black with vodka.

-----------------DO YOU------------------

-- SMOKE: yes
-- CUSS: yes indeed
-- TAKE A SHOWER EVERYDAY: mostly
-- HAVE A CRUSH(ES): probably
-- WANT TO GET MARRIED: very much
-- TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS: usually
-- GET MOTION SICKNESS: rarely
-- THINK YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE: maybe
-- THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: i smoke. i drink. need to say more?
-- GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: kinda
-- LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: very much
-- PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: piano, synths, bit of flute, tried guitar, self-teaching myself bagpipe

-----------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------

-- FLOWN ON A PLANE: hell yes
-- MISSED SCHOOL BECAUSE IT WAS RAINING?: yes but so did everyone on those days
-- TOLD A GUY/GIRL THAT YOU LIKED THEM?: yes
-- CRIED DURING A MOVIE?: never during but maybe after
-- EVER THOUGHT AN ANIME CHARACTER WAS HOT?: ew
-- HAD AN IMAGINARY FRIEND: more than one
-- BEEN ON STAGE?: love it
-- CUT YOUR HAIR: yes but not in the last 3.5 years
-- HAD CRUSH ON A TEACHER?: ew
-- GOTTEN BEATEN UP?: sort of
-- BEEN IN A FIGHT: kinda
-- SHOPLIFTED: might have

-----------------NUMBER OF-----------------

-- NUMBER OF ( REAL LIFE! ) BOYFRIENDS/GIRLFRIENDS ( NOT INTERWEB!! ) YOU'VE HAD: depends on definition
-- NUMBER OF PEOPLE I COULD TRUST WITH MY LIFE: not more than 5
-- NUMBER OF PIERCINGS: had one before
-- NUMBER OF TATTOOS: 1
-- NUMBER OF TIMES MY NAME HAS APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPER?: no... ah maybe yes.
-- NUMBER OF SCARS ON MY BODY: never bothered to count. most obvious ones- chin, eyebrow, right arm.
-- NUMBER OF THINGS IN MY PAST THAT I REGRET: rather not say

----------------FAVORITES--------------- ---

-- SHAMPOO: ... don't have one
-- FAV COLOR: black, red, grey, blue, pink
-- DAY/NIGHT: Nacht
-- SUMMER/WINTER: season of white snow and black nights
-- FAVE CARTOON CHARACTER: don't have a fave
-- FAVE FOOD: anything goes well with alcohol and hunger
-- FAVE MOVIES: way too many
-- FAVE SPORT: depends on the mood
-- FAVE SONG: depends on the mood

----------------RIGHT NOW------------------

-- WEARING: black hat, my pink long sleeved shirt, jeans... um, glasses and underwear
-- DRINKING: nothing
-- THINKING ABOUT: theater work and othe stuff
-- LISTENING TO: the usual stuff

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------

-- CRIED: no
-- WORN JEANS: still wearing
-- MET SOMEONE NEW ONLINE: no
-- DONE LAUNDRY: in my head
-- DROVE A CAR: no
-- TALKED ON THE PHONE: mhm

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------

-- YOURSELF: always
-- YOUR FRIENDS: i try my best to
-- SANTA CLAUSE: yes and click to read about it
-- TOOTH FAIRY: no cause i have had way too many removed and i have seen all fairies but not tooth fairies
-- DESTINY/FATE: want a 1000+ word essay on that?
-- ANGELS: random fairies and spirits in general
-- GHOSTS: as above
-- FAIRY TALES: honestly, yes
-- UFO'S: hasn't that proven to be true already
-- GOD: even lennon said no

--------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------

-- DO YOU EVER WISH YOU HAD ANOTHER NAME?: not another but i want more
-- DO YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND?: yes
-- DO YOU LIKE ( IN THE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED WAY! ) ANYONE?: i suppose
-- WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ACTS THE MOST LIKE YOU?: Inone i hope. i shall remain unique
-- WHO HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST OF YOUR FRIENDS?: fung and we are still in decent contact
-- ARE YOU CLOSE TO ANY FAMILY MEMBER?: not too
-- WHO DO YOU HANG AROUND THE MOST?: me and my imaginations
-- WHEN DO YOU CRY THE MOST: january and february 2006
-- WHAT'S THE BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: being with the love of your life followed closely by creativity, then the feeling of a organised chaos
-- WORST FEELING?: creativity's gone
--WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?: time to write for theatre classes and think
______________________________________________________________

+CURRENT+

CURRENT MOOD: i could write 1000 words anytime about my moods and you don't want me to do that
CURRENT MUSIC: the usual stuff
CURRENT TASTE: vodka
CURRENT HAIR: long and wavy, in a cute big braid currently
CURRENT ANNOYANCE: lacking of alcohol
CURRENT SMELL: cigarettes and someone else's dinner while i wish i could be smelling my strong vodka burp
CURRENT THING I OUGHT TO BE DOING (BUT I AM NOT): writing for theatre class
CURRENT WINDOWS OPEN: room windows, firefox, my thoughts
CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE: i change daily
CURRENT BOOK: switching between Gertrude Stein's writings and various versions of Faust
+DO YOU EVER+

HAVE A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK?: a couple of
REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE?: depends on the definition
READ THE NEWSPAPER?: sometimes
BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER?: yes if i am with the right person and i now am
CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS?: yes
CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE?: love can never be a mistake
LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL?: 'i don't like the alcohol but the alcohol likes me'
HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY?: fruit drops and nothing else
DONE WELL IN SCHOOL?: once upon a time
WEAR HATS?: yes but i look weird in hats
SHUN FRIENDS?: try not to
WISH ON STARS?: i talk to them instead
LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?: my left handed wild unreadable-to-others writing? i love it.
CARE ABOUT LOOKS?: physically i care enough to make myself look different, mentally i indeed to care even more

+ARE YOU A+

WUSS: not too much
DRUGGY: not if you don't count nicotine and ethanol
DAYDREAMER: big fan
FREAK: not sure, a bit i guess
DORK: maybe
BRAT: don't think so
SARCASTIC: rarely
SHY: not sure
TALKATIVE: unless some bug has landed on my spiderweb of thoughts
ADVENTUROUS: usually
JOKER: no.

+LAST+ ME:

LAST BOOK YOU READ: C. Marlowe- Dr. Faustus
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW: Wow... it's been a while. I forgot.
LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: Polish Vodka
LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: This morning
LAST SONG YOU HEARD: The unfinished song I made myself

luck.

what an interesting little idea. what is luck? who is lucky? and no i have finished watching the movie intacto about half a year ago. in fact the movie came back up in my head after i thought about writing this chunk of sentences.

as a boy i have always thought i was never a lucky person i don't have eventful random encounters with interesting people normally people don't come up to me and make eventful random encounters no not lucky draws or raffle i never have won anything from them so i have stopped buying those little tickets of hope and proves of luck long ago i lose random things and i am just not particularly lucky. i always thought i was never a lucky person but as i was contemplating if i should go for a post meal fag i started to change my mind not about the fag but about the issues about luck.

maybe i have been so lucky all my life that i just have never realised. i am actually a lucky person and i am indeed. maybe i do not neccessarily like my family all the time it indeed is quite a normal family and i got into a respectable school in hong kong yes i had a huge fight with my parents that my father did not talk to me for two whole years but if that had not happen i would not really have left home for norway that easily at all and there i met the most important people of my life so far i met good friends i found myself i found my love and i got through the ib with a blink and ended up with rather okay result considering the small amount of effort i put in and then university i got through with okay grades in the first year and then got through the audition and major in theatre now as i have always wanted and wished and hoped then i am getting so close to successfully finding an apartment to move out and have a place of my own and i have been learning well i think in theatre classes at least i do not feel like i am falling behind and everything i have a mind of my own and i am happy with that most of the time and i am maybe sometimes stupid but never not creative and i am left handed. me. me. me. enough said about myself.

was that luck?
is that luck?
have those all been luck?

luck.
i start to like the idea of

as i was sipping away the last few minutes of monday, i went out to have a good night smoke outside, bare feet.

looking at the raindrops beating mercilessly on the leaves and as a dried tilted maple leave swang its way down from the very top floor of the dark sky a voice in my head said something rather interesting

you dear only walk bare feet in places you feel absolutely safe in dear

i thought about it for a long time okay maybe not that long but as long as the time it took me to smoke and sip away. yes i do said i to myself only walk bare feet in places i feel absolutely safe in. i walk bare feet when i can around the place i live in and i walk bare feet around the theatre building i have most of my classes in and around it when i have a smoke break. some random person questioned why i was walking around bare feet outside the building today between classes and i just felt like it. it is a great committment i whispered to myself while taking another sip. when one is bare feet one is defenless against the ground the world the earth the floor one is stepping on and it indeed is a great committment and at the same time a big risk. the feeling of having absolutely nothing in between for protection while you are having the most intimate and neccessary act with the place you are in. one needs indeed to be extremely secure of that environment to be committed to such a great extent.

as i am mortally exhausted from classes my brain just ceases to work harder on such a thought meanwhile i have other thoughts about theatre waiting in line at the gates of my trainwreck of thoughts so i am not going to go on.

but i beseech you all do give a good thought about bare feet and the feeling of total security. read it as a metaphor for being among people, for sex, for relationships or anything but i have not intended it to be so. it was just about being bare feet and feeling safe and accepting the environment.

hope that tickles your brains and curtains down go post show music till end go house light up go doors open go.

name.

i've never given any in depth good thoughts of my name. ka ho derek chan somehow i have fused derek into my middle name although i have no godfathers. ka ho is a combination of two chinese words which will never able be represented corrected in english unless you call me praise the sunny sky while you can also intrepret it as praised just like the sunny sky. i have never asked why but my mother has often said when i was a young child she liked sunny days and maybe the rare word of 'ho' in chinese is a good representation while my father is a well educated chinese teacher he found such a rare word of my age. often kindergarten and primary school teachers will mistake my 'ho' for another word which reprsentes the underworld or pluto. hell why would someone name their child that but my father once had a student who had a name that sounded just like 'semen' in chinese but of course he changed his name after his parents realized what a ridiculous name it was.

one might notice how i write in long, coma-less sentences like Gertrude Stein these days well i am taking a course which extensively has to do with her and it is inevitable that i start to write like her just as i wrote like hamlet of shakespeare during twenty oh-five. so back to the name.

most people know me as derek which is a rather uncultural but usual name of mine. in those days and in these days people in hong kong like to add a english or european name above their name. derek afterall originates from some old german names meaning the ruler of people from most of the sources i have been reading either the mighty internet or baby naming books. surely i am not a ruler among the people i hang out with but i have enough power and status to rule over my world and when things become my world i rule for example if i have a play which i direct or i have written.

it is funny how everyone's name is what that person does not have. i am a considerably gloomy person and thus the 'sunny' thing is what i lack and i am not a ruler of people for sure well if you do not take my own world in consideration of course. i know a lot of people who possess names that is what exactly they lack and trust me i have checked out most of the people's name at least those i consider i am at least a tad familiar with.

names is a funny thing because i have been always thinking of my future daughter(/son)'s name. i always wanted a daughter more than a son for some reason but it does not mean i will not love him if i have a son but back to my future daughter's name. it has to be german or swiss for some reason which is obvious or not and at least derek is originated from old german but well maybe most of you who reads this know better than my mom's ex-boss is a swiss who allegedly still has a house in basel. so what will it be, i do not know. but it will be something beautiful i am sure.

how about the chinese name that is a big problem and an interesting one because my father is a chinese teacher and i would love to have a beautiful name for my child and although i have considerably good handwriting for a lefty i have not overwhelmingly good knowledge in beautiful chinese words but then again i am reluctant to seek for help from my father because one that will be the child of mine and i want him to be proud of my choice and since i was regarded as eccentric more than once and as a budding artist also more than once an extraordinary name will be certain. it is not clear why i have been wondering about these far in the future issues these days though.

names are mysterious. they represent exactly what you lack in your personality. allow me to be honest the name of s. means more or lesspeace and that is most of the time what she is lacking of while vittu's e. according to internet resources can mean hesitate while she is as far as i know for sure a straight forward and honest person and zh. the russian according again to the net it includes a meaning of 'noble' while she is as sweet as the girl next door geoffery from hk means somehow peace also while to my understanding he might look peaceful and quiet outside he has a raging soul inside and alfred from hk too it roughly originated from 'elf' but sure the mind of alfred is never as peaceful as an elf but it is sad that i fail to find a concrete meaning for my slovenian roomie r. and t. the turkish and n. the german and k. the leftybulgar and many other else and i have to insist it is something interesting to know, whether their names is exactly what they lack in their soul. most of the time it stays true even for chinese name of people i sort of know of.

derek the ruler eh actually indeed he is the ruler of nothing at the moment.

an equal amount of water and vodka has been put by one in identical markless flasks sitting on the dinnertable and it will never be clear which is which until one morning after a long day's work he is so worn out and glups down one of the two without even processing with his taste buds the tasteless taste or the burning sensation.

this long chunky sentence just suddenly came up in my head and i have since failed to put any meaning in it or relate it to anything but i thought it is almost a sin not to share interesting voices in my head with everyone. i really just thought that sentence is interesting. that's all.

and for all of you who might be wondering... no, i'm completely sober. i know it doesnt explain very well about the last post about the sun and the moon nor the string of words above, but hey.

okay german speakers now correct all my mistakes...

there is a 'what i really wanted to mean' section in english below-

die Sonne lacht
und
hinter den Berg weint der Mond
der Sohn der Explosion fragt,
mein Freund,
o der immer süsse Mond,
warum hast du tränen in
deinem schneeweisses
Gesicht?
die Blumen werden
rot
die Tochter der Nacht fragt,
aber du,
du
glücklich Feuersänger,
weißt du, dass
dein Licht zu stark
für
meine Kinder ist?
sie können nicht spielen,
nicht tanzen,
nicht laufen,
nicht schlafen!
aber schau,
du kannst nicht immer hier sein
es jetzt wird Nacht und los!
los!
sprachlos, die Sonne denkt,
aber keine Kinder hat der Mond!
so Nacht wird es.
über die Berge hängt dem schwarz haar der Nacht.
eins,
zwei, drei,
fünf,
elf,
viele
kleine Kinder tanzen,
sängen,
spielen
und scheinen in Himmel!
kalt ist jetzt die Welt aber
langsam, die Mutter von alles macht
eine gelb Tashe
und in der warm Tashe schlafen
die Morgensternen.
ruhig,
sie schlafen.
-------------------------------------
the sun laughs
and
behind the mountains weeps the moon
the son of the bang questions
my friend
oh the ever so sweet moon
why do tears hang
on your snow-white
face?
the flowers are
red.
the daughter of the night asks
but you
you
merry flamesinger,
do you know, that
your ray is too savage
for
my children?
they fail to play,
to dance,
to run,
to sleep!
but look,
you can never be always here
night has come and away
away you go!
speechless, the sun wondered
but there are no such thing as moonchildren!
so night falls
above the mountains the dark locks of the night hang
one
two, three
five
eleven
countless
tiny children dance,
sing,
play,
and shine in the sky!
the world is now so cold but
slowly, the mother of all makes
a yellow bag
and there sleeping in the yellow bag
the morning stars
silently
they sleep.
------------------------------------------------------
hope you all are able to take pleasure from this attempt of blending heaviness and innocence in one.

time to practise my german, and hope you will get to read it.

'Heidi'

Nicht mehr fegt
der gnadenlos Wind
mich,
Nicht mehr
isst die
uferlos See mich,
Nicht mehr brennt die
bodenloss Hölle
mich,
Nicht mehr hasst
die träumerlos Welt
mich,
Nicht mehr
ist ein
friedelos Mann mich,
wenn du
hier
mit mir
bist,
weil du meine Liebe,
meinen
Engel, mein
alles
bist.
So bitte
lauf mit mir
aber
nicht zu
schnell,



weil ich



ein Krüppel bin.

classes are great so far... and i'm rather busy settling down with studying and cooking and just getting my life back on track. might not have a lot of time to write nonsense here in the next couple of weeks/months- but i'll type up some of my journals for classes, voice class, movement class or playmaking class if it's interesting at all.

there's just so much to learn.

i couldn't figure out why i woke up so unusually early and felt fatally bad this morning, until i came across this piece of shocking, tragic news...

rest in peace mister steve 'the crocodile hunter' irwin, the man who taught me more than anyone else about animals, the man who was always excited like a pure-hearted child during an encounter with any single kind of species, the man who always wear the same khaki outfit, the man who always exclaims, "CRIKEY!" i forgot how many times i've heard you saying that, together with the rapidly delivered precious knowledge about wildlife on animal planet. i'll never forgot how i always have imagined myself doing what you do in the programs. crocodiles, seals, penguins, and even stingrays. i have never forgotten how many times you cheered me up during sad and bored nights of depression, bringing me around the world, showing me all kinds of animals. although we've never met in person, i always felt like we're going on wildlife adventures together as two enthusiastic boys, spend endless hours in the wild.

don't weep for your own death, mister irwin, and let me, the human species, and species and species of other animals do the weeping for we have lost a great friend, teacher, guide and most important of all, a protector. at least, you left happy while during what you truly love- something that most of the population of all species on earth could never achieve.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
do me a favour, take a little time and read about mister irwin.
here's an easy place to start with...

funny how i havent written anything for so long- wasnt i supposed to double/triple post everyday during summer? well, at least i'm going back finally, it's good i suppose- even just for a change.

i'll be busy getting my stuff back, trying to get hold of my advisor, maybe hopefully figuring out what is up with me financial assitance thing, getting books, finding a place to move out to, and oh, getting food...

just anything.

let the birds fly into the cage and the termites chew up the rotten wood.
maybe the dolphins will weep for me when i am gone.

but why can't we juggle dreams, fingers, eyes or planets?
sometimes red tears flow out of my ears and i don't know why.
look, my hair is giving me sanctuary. just a million pills for a piece of peace, a mill of pills for a piece of peace, anyone?

hopping like electromagnetic-driven spinning boomerangs falling on the grass and he saw saint monkey showing himself as a mad little boy, saying,

'wach auf, mein kind.'

the fingers are dancing in the fire,
on the blades, in the forest, under the ground.
but what is the point of all that?
fairies too, dance, but they dance on the green,
in your dreams, on the clouds, above the sky.

why do little dragons not spit fire when they cough?
go ask saint monkey and the answer will be revealed.

come.