i'm alive.
not doing too well and not knowing why.

in a sense i cant wait to leave hong kong,




but on the other hand i am not exactly longing for going back.

flying at 1245 on the 3rd, arriving even earlier,
namely 1000 on the 3rd at vancouver.

maybe there are things that the madcap is longing to prove and find out,



but scared that the truth and reality
might just end up being too heavy.

saint monkey.
sweet saint monkey.

alone in my bedroom i went in to a trance last night. i had a strange conversation with myself and we know that i'm not totally alright but we just couldn't tell why. and that's not good.

it felt like someone has attach a vacuum cleaner to my spine secretly. my blanket was the perfect material for running away, it really was. sitting in the cave i closed my eyes and hugged myself, pretending that she's next to me. i tried to bring myself onto an adventure like i've always done in colder places. the hovering sound of the air conditioner, muted roars of car engines, the pounding of my weak blood pump- the voices are all in my head. i found my way to another world, a world that was shaking. a collection of unstable illusions. the end of a circle always joins the beginning. after a certain state, the rider lets go of the gear and the mustang takes over. amused and amazed, i always end up with similar situations that i'm forced to take over again.

the door to the way out was just right in front, a bright white exit just like i've always imagined.

but of course i didnt make it. bored? surprised?

sitting on the couch, not able to think about anything. once again floating in the middle of nowhere and go on floating more. ever seen how spiders deal with their food on animal planet? they wrap it with the silky stuff coming out from their asses into a pretty meatball, numb, dead or alive. it is none of the butterfly's business that it's causing a hurricane in the middle of the ocean. then a special blend of love fluid's ejaculated into the web-ball. you know, then everything starts to melt, slow or quick. the prey's world had a final hit. and when the time has come the big evil one will return and slurp the thingy dry. well, just like, you know what. obscenely annoying. how annoying could this be? you have no idea. just try to explain why i can't even keep a coherent conversation with myself anymore- and convince me that you're right. is that so? could it be that the madcap's growing a little bit too big for the blue cocoon? snakes grow up, break out of the old sweet suits. bam, cute little snakes become black mambas.

obscenely annoying without a tangible cause. and that's what my world has become.

do you think mona lisa gets bored? such a fake. how can she keep smiling 24/7 and you say it has always been genuine for all these years? or maybe when she's alone she weeps quietly for her son, her husband, her family and friends whom has died and gone throughout all these centuries. maybe she has been laughing at us all. look at that sad smile tainted with a lace of arrogance. 'you people are so a-stupido...' she laughs at warlords, presidents, cheaters, pop stars, common people, humanity. sorry mona lisa for calling you a fake. but i'll never understand why they call your smile attractive.

what else should i be to make me happy, to make things right, to stop the blue cocoon from taking pills that make you numb? stop running, look around and turn one hundred and eighty degrees. reach up into the sky and search for the floating boy.

i keep having dreams that i don't even bother to write about anymore.

i never liked the heat.

leaning against the window, looking out at the blue sky. 'ah, how beautiful,' i thought, 'too bad that i actually don't think so.' instead i look down from fifty storeys high at the swimming pool. what would happen if i just hop out while listen to hyperballad? it's as easy as sitting down and doing nothing. diving in the water and then smashing against the bottom. what a beautiful violet it makes- the transparent blood water and the light blue artificial seabed. they will love it i'm sure.

i always hated the heat.

maybe not only the heat, but the noise, the people, the illusion of being an interesting place. i would still blame it on the heat, though. treating each other as merely tools and stepping stones to the future, only thinking about how to earn more money by either assimilating yourself with the rest of the drone population, or exploit and extract every single last drop of humanity from your slaves. master or slave, that's the only two options if you stay. humming fans, mumbling people, honking cars. and of course bad asian pop music and mind numbing dialogues emerging from the telly god.

it must have been the heat.

watching too much animal planet makes me relate myself and my behaviour to animals. snakes and other reptiles gain energy and thus aggression when they have stayed long enough in a warm environment. boom, a slight touch pierces the anger balloon- or the balloon just gets bigger and bigger if no one even cared to probe it. most animals need extensive personal space. they freak out if one does not respect it. hating to stay too close with the others (except a few people), physically or mentally, makes me relate myself more to some kind of solitary monogamous animal, rather than Homo sapiens whom are annoyingly dependent and have no respect for personal space or identity.

i really never liked the heat.
but what does it matter?