the madcap laughs

...and he sees fairies dancing on the lawn

Monday, November 28, 2005

Just a short post before lunch

It's funny.
I have started calling myself d. in various situations when I have to type or write.
And very soon I see initials flooding everywhere- I don't have anything against it and I just find it funny. Nothing bad IMO.

I was pretty scared about my math final and all the grades and scholarship thing a few days ago. And then suddenly I think I have overcome all those bullshit already. I wrote one theatre final paper the night before while I was talking to Tu.. oh, t. (let's stick to the rule of initials ;) ). And I've been reading some math, trying to catch up with the things I'm supposed to have learnt 2 months ago etc.

Weird. I found out I like to freak out a little bit when stress comes, then I just forget it by default. I probably have an attention-span of a fruit fly. Yes. You can distract me from ANYTHING with ANYTHING. :) Afterall I have the mental age of a 10-year-old.

Now shine on.

Monday, November 21, 2005

I've been so lazy these days

that I haven't been writing my blog for so long even though I don't really have anything to do finally.

So the theatre show went fine- afterall there weren't too many things to do. It was weird that before the show we were told that one of the acting profs died. I didn't know him. I haven't even seen him. I mean, it just felt a little bit weird since the actors were so overwhelmed by the news. Anyway.

Two more weeks of classes and I'll be done with me first semester in university. Honestly I haven't learnt too much- the Hamlet analyzing class wasn't really the thing for me since I do suck at analyzing plays, honestly. I mean, I understand what the plays are trying to say, I would know how to put it on, but I wouldn't really know how to express my ideas in front of a big class. Especially when I'm still a 'I know nothing' first year and most of them are 2nd 3rd 4th 5th year students. I just don't feel that I have the knowledge to say something. Well, well. And there is my beloved calculus. I haven't been to classes since, ages ago. All I'm hoping now is to do okay in the final exam and pass the course and get the goddamn credit.

Today in the theatre tech class the teacher talked about 'it'. IT was vague. Most of the people did not get it I think. I am pretty sure I have got my 'it'. Just that I'm not good at explaining it verbally. All I can think of is either 'it' is when you understand what the lights are talking about, or 'it' is instead of feeling sad about dying in a theatre, you feel happy, comfortable and complete, or even 'it' is when a theatre has become the daisy petal to hide behind when there's no one to turn to. Forget about it. Forget about 'it'. I don't think anyone got what I was trying to say, not even the teacher. Maybe he meant something else.

And no, nothing particularly interesting happened and after the theatre show, I'm back to my lifeless life currently. I've been thinking of going out and walk around and get laundry powder and get my cell phone to work for winter break- but either I was too busy with the lights or it was raining. Now I'm done with the light, and it hasn't been raining for a while, but I can imagine I would be a little bit stressed about two final papers, one mock interview for theatre, the final test in German and the final exam in math in the next two weeks. Oh, and how could I forget, 2 math homeworks.

This is a boring post. It's the holiday mood. I'm looking forward to the 9th so much- I'm going to Switzerland on the 9th night. So I'll probably leave in the afternoon, after lunch. That will be two days after my math final. Sigh. Days are slow when you count them.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

so i'm half alive.

Samuli- sorry I'm too lazy/busy to reply your mail. I'll do it later- read on and find out why.

Emmi- same, sorry that I haven't talked to you for ages- read on and check out why, too.

Who else? For all those whom I have promised to talk with- please, do read on and check out why I haven't.

So I haven't been writing for pretty long. At least it feels like so.

Yes it's 0306, tuesday. Why am I still up? Reading a play for tomorrow's theatre lecture. Writing/finishing/re-writing a theatre short essay for tomorrow too.

EDIT: what fucking tomorrow? 11 hours later on the same fucking tuesday I mean.

Well I am the light person for a upcoming theatre performance so I have been (and will still be) busy as ass until friday. That is fucking why I have to stay up till 3am, and probably a bit more- I have to know the play WELL for tomorrow. Discussion and quiz and all that, y'know.

Weird. I actually am sort of enjoying this. Enjoying all this rush and stress and frustration and tireness (i'm too lazy to think of the right word- correct me by leaving comments). I don't know. In a sense I don't like it at all.

I'm just tired.

slept at 4am on saturday night (or sunday morning I should say)edit: i was working/sleepless- not drinking or anything of that sort- I have NOT been drinking for 5+ weeks due to... shortage of cash, then had to wake up at 730 to hang & focus the lights... till 9pm I believe? Then classes today, and working on the light cues from 530 to 10pm not forgetting I have an essay due tomorrow, and two plays to read for tomorrow (I'm done with one, kinda). And the fact that I'm having a German class tomorrow makes me not able to do the work tomorrow morning!

By the way, my dinner tonight was a miserably tiny bowl of soup (it was nice though- cream of broccoli. y'all know i love broccoli.), a... what, some kinda berry muffin and a huge-ass cup of coffee, ah, and a crappy cup noodles (the ones in Hong Kong are so much better).

That is... why I'm tired. Or should be, at least. Damn coffee. I want more.

Anyway- my pipe's calling me for a walk. Then I should read the plays again. Hopefully I'll be done before 6am.

Feel free to send me messages on MSN, write sometiong or whatever here, or wherever- my email, facebook and all those if anyone bothers to tell me not to burn myself with the lights or not to short circuit the lighting board before thursday.

Anyway. It starts to feel funny. I'd better... go to the laundry room and get a piece of cookie or something from the vending machine.

Take care of me, folks. Please.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

it's been a week

Haven't written for quite a while. No I'm not dead. Not physically. I don't know. The rain, the clouds, the darkness just makes me extremely lazy and blue. I don't really know what I'm doing these days. Nothing probably. The enthusiasm for working and studying hard has pretty much faded(as I expected).

--------------------------------------------
the albatross

he wanted to fly like the albatross
so he made two wings with feathers and metal wires
he put the wings on and he jump off the cliff
'look at me albatross now i can fly...'

it was a thursday night
clouds are black and cold
stars are crying and trembling
in the cradle of the moon

he didn't know that it was thunder's day
whoever flied in the sky would be struck
he wondered why there aren't any albatross
how could a human boy know of these rules?

lightnings blinded the boy
thunder bolts burnt his clothes
the boy was scared and helpless
gliding alone in the storm

the albatross were staring at the boy
but none of them spreaded their wings like an angel
he raised his arms and he waved them so hard
'look at me albatross at least i tried'

albatross, albatross
why won't you save the boy
why has no one told the poor one
not to fly on thunder's day

he wanted to fly
and he's not afraid to die
so he put the wings on
put the wings on
---------------------------------------------------

I've been drawing and writing a lot while I should read more for my theatre class, raping the plays by over analysing it like everyone else in class to get better grades. I'm losing track of my German. I haven't been to math classes for over a month. I, well at least have still been eating. I haven't been drinking for a month or more, I don't remember. Have you noticed how many 'I's there are? It's funny. I don't know. My phonebill came a few days ago. Finally. Luckily I don't have to pay too much. I rarely phone or get any phonecalls in fact. My synthesizer came finally by the way. I don't know if I have mentioned it before. I am trying to write songs. That albatross thing might be the lyrics for my first try. It looks so amateur though.

There's not much I have thought of recently. I am sick of Hamlet and anything that has to do with Hamlet. Crows have disappeared. It's the rain. Or maybe winter's coming. I don't understand. I don't know what I don't understand. Maybe it's about time to think again about who, or what I am. I'm a person. No, I'm a crow. A crow that doesn't know how to talk to other crows. I have realized my inability to communicate. It seems difficult to communicate with people, crows or plants. I am Hamlet. No. I am sick of Hamlet. Sick of Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius or even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. I have found out I know a little bit of everything but don't excel in anything. That kinda sucks. I don't know. I am not saying I have doubts about studying theatre. I said I will hang on to this and I will. I don't have anything clever to say when people are analysing plays. I can't write clever essays like everyone else does. I can whine though. I think I am actually good at that. I, I, I! Have you ever had the feeling of having a melody, no, not even a melody, a single chord stuck in your head and you just can't get rid of those couple of notes? Or think of a line from a play you have done or read. Or something that you overheard from some random conversation on a random bus during a random bus ride on a random day.

I don't know what I'm talking about. I suddenly don't feel like writing. This post doesn't really even worth to be posted. I guess I should go and think of something clever to say and post it here.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Samuli I wrote you a mail (yes, I do bother to :D of course I do).

Schwarzerschnee could be a cool idea for a song, or even a play.
I will write such a song when I get my Yamaha S03. The seller phoned me earlier and said he lost my address. So I had to send it to him again and hope that the Yamaha will arrive nice and tight.

Well, well, well. Farewell folks. Me lungs are calling for an even earlier death- how evil they are, little punk air-vents. So I'll take leave from y'all and again, fare ye well.

P.S. Sorry for seeming to be non-responsive to the comments/replies. I will write something about them soon. Soon I promise. Oh merciful g*d (no I don't believe in that so I have to censor it) how many things have I promised myself and how many promises have I kept?