So I said I will go on in a new post...

so I did. Or I am doing it.

I like large, soft-ish cookies with oatmeal and raisins suddenly. I didn't like it when I had it for breakfast this morning because the taste of raisins was weird when it was the first thing you put in your mouth in the morning, not counting all the dust and hair... but somehow I left a few bites on my desk and being funny, I ate it (don't ask me why 'being funny'... I don't know.). And I actually really like the taste of it. My grandma used to buy me little packets of raisins when I was a kid. It was when I was still in kindergarten, when my parents were still working, both of them. My dad's mother lives close to my kindergarten so she was taking care of me. She likes me a lot anyway. And I did like her a lot because she was basically the one who was taking care of me until my little brother was born, then my mom quitted working and took care of him. Well she did take care of me also but yeah, kids like conspiracies. So the idea of 'she quitted working to take care of him but she didn't do that for me' keeps bugging me actually, until this very second. But I like my brother despite he's EVEN more boring than me. A little bit nerdy actually. Anyway. My grandma. Then yeah, she had some health troubles and then my father got into a fight with her or something, then I have rarely heard about her. I don't think I got those pocket money things from her on my birthdays and in Chinese New Year anymore. It was since I left for Norway I think. It's a little bit annoying in two ways. First I'm so much like my dad that we both are not too into our parents, siblings etc. He had fights with his brothers... say probably 16 years ago and since then I have never, ever heard of them again. Maybe he killed them, maybe he just does not contact them. I don't know. But the thing which really annoys me is... I don't really know how my grandma is now. Honestly I dare not to ask my mother about that- when she does not talk about it, there is usually something pretty wrong. Well, if I ask my father about it, and if he happens to be in a fight with her (Grandma), I would not know too much from him either.

She might be dead. Maybe 2 years ago. I don't know. If my parents did not tell me about that, I probably would not really talk to them for quite a while. But it's just me being paranoid. My grandma's situation was pretty bad when I left for Norway anyway. I remember I went to see her in the hospital/clinic thing she stayed in, she was so excited to see me. Maybe she was so sick of seeing her daughter and the nurses taking care of her, two of her sons (my uncles) disappeared, another daughter moved to France (ages ago) and her son (my father) getting angry with her. Well she was stubborn and refused to help herself get better. That was somewhat unforgivable, and that makes it understandable why my father got so frustrated. I don't know. I am still too young to tell. Then again I don't know enough.

So I went to her room. I sat down and called her the way I used to when she was taking care of me. She heard my voice and looked a little bit surprised actually. She called me the way she called me when I was young, too- in fact she never changed the way she called me. It was a relief, I thought- at least she still recognizes me. I was holding her hand and telling her how I have been doing in those years that I haven't seen her and she was weakly patting my hand like she how she would pat my head when I was small. Her hand was so cold, it honestly felt barely alive. It was honestly, weird. I was telling her I did pretty well in my public exam and she was replying, weakly and barely audible. The purpose of me visiting her was actually telling her I am going to Norway. I did feel bad about it actually. I did not know how to do it at all. I was 16 for fuck's sake! So we watched TV together (she was watching TV when I went in actually) for a while, awkward silence despite the noise from the television. 'Gran, I'm going to Norway for two years to study...' She cried. I, as a 16-year-old teen, tried my best to calm her down and stuff. And she at first was actually happy that I got such a chance, and I told her that I would miss her (I actually did, more than I missed my parents), then I heard a reply that really made me feel so helpless at that moment. I actually managed not to think about that single little sentence my Grandma said to me during the days in Norway, but somehow the raisins in the cookie reminded me of that.

'I'm afraid I won't live long enough to see you again.'

-----------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: well, sorry for posting a pretty boring piece of my momory instead of bullshitting something interesting... that just popped up in my mind and I felt like typing it. Maybe a few hours later when I don't feel like sleeping, I will have funny little ideas to write about. Do look forward to it. :)

Wow I havent been posting for quite long

It's funny how I get comments through email notice before I actually do see them on my blog. Anyway.

No I have not been doing anything interesting. Oh, and true, about the IB diploma, I am going to get a Bachelor degree in 4 years anyway, why would I need that? Oh wait, I am not sure if I would need it when I apply for jobs on campus. But it would be stupid, I mean, if anyone had a brain they would have figure out that I, uh, kind of have to pass some kind of exams to be accepted in SFU. Anyway, it's not like I'm going to apply for a job before winter. Hm, actaully, all the ranting is about residence, not really about SFU itself. I don't know. I admit that I should go out more, especially to see more theatre shows. That can kill so much of my time- but honestly I don't know where to see performances. Maybe I should start going around asking people or checking out websites. Then again I will probably do that after my theatre production tech. mid-term next Monday and my calculus mid-term #2 (yes, MID and #2. I had a mid-term #1. Huh, a math course they say. Got it?) two days after my theatre mid-term. Yay.

So let's start again from some daily reports then hopefully I will drift into a bullshitting mode.

*takes a sip of grapefruit juice*
*shivers 'cos it's so sour*

Alright. When was the last time I wrote? Oh THAT post with the butterfly picture, whining about some parties or something? 22nd. So it was Sunday? Right. Probably it is just because I ran out of cigarettes or something like that. Honestly nothing happened on Monday as far as I remember, except I started my 3rd week of skipping my calculus lecture which are basically the instructor reading out the easiest examples from the book. I can learn better from reading the book alone because during 0830 classes, instructors tend to make tonnes of mistakes and students tend to fall asleep even with a cup of hot coffee in hand (and no the coffee did not fall).

Then we move on to Tuesday (actually do i have to capitalize the SMTWTFS's?). Gosh it was a rather busy/stressed day in my standard considering how relaxed my uni life is. Had a German test and a theatre quiz and a theater (notice the inconsistency in -er and -re) paper to hand in, then have to watch a dress rehearsal at night for the production tech. class. How did all those go? Rather fine actually. Nothing interesting to talk about. Oh, the play is Uncle Vanya be Anton Chekov. A rather average story so there isn't much to talk about, unless you want me to strip the play naked and (over-)analysis it in a rapist manner. Nah, I liked the performance.

I guess it's getting boring. I mean, what's so interesting reading about what someone did? It would be so much more fun to read about what one thinks. But... I just have to write about today. I'll do it in short sentences. I skipped math. I learnt how to tie 4 knots in my prod. tech. class. Reef knot, sheet bend, clove hitch & bowline. It was fun. Still waiting for my Yamaha S03 to come. Made plans for tomorrow (Thursday). Watch Uncle Vanya, take a cheque worth 1912.81 canadian dollars to the bank, put that sum of money into my account, possibly cancel one of the two accounts in the bank, find a 3.5mm to 1/4" plug for my headphones for the Yahama, possibly find a sustain pedal for my Yamaha, get a rope and a scythe for halloween (have to dress up for my theatre production tech. mid-term... for 'bonus points', said the prof...)

done.

So, this post has gone pretty long already... I'll start a new post trying to bullshitt about my thoughts probably. A bit later though.

Oh shi-

-t. The IB Diploma. I don't think I have got it yet. Have you guys?

Where is my daisy petal?

Now I can hear some really fake synth drum riffs from the wall. Random horny slutty females screaming outside the room in the corridor. Yes even a blind person can see they want dick. Even a fucking idiot knows they can speak so why don't they just shut up and keep quiet when they are drunk? I am not interested in knowing their ability to speak, at all. Why why would the guys even found partying like that interesting?

Heard of one of the lines from the musical 'Les Misérables'?

'...in just one burst of light, and what was right seems wrong, and what was wrong seems right...'

I guess the only solution to the high pitched screaming 'mummy daddy now I am living alone finally so I am going to drink and drinking is the cool shit and fun and I am gonna shout around and tell everyone I can speak' is to make my music scream louder than they do.

Fuck.

And no. I am 100% sober. I swear.

Where is my daisy petal?
Where are the crows?

I don't think anyone else gives a fuck except me.

By the way I just realized out of all the man-like figures I've drawn recently, none of them are involved in a happy proccess and two hung themselves, and they are both on my desk at this moment.

I am considering making a third one but I have no rope.

I fucking hate it when my stupid ass pothead neighbour blasts fuck ass stupid brainless hip hop music which is cool and 'the shit' and the 'chill' music with really stupid bass and trumpet basslines on top of simple riffs made out of synth patch sounds which even I can write within 5 mins time at 3:15am.

Celebrate humanity.
Celebrate life.
Celebrate empty bottles when you need them to be full.
Celebrate blunt knives when you need them to be sharp.
Call me lucky or call me unlucky that I am still alive in one piece at the moment.
I'm dead serious.

Things are starting to go weird

I just realized my phone bill has not arrived yet, which is absolutely ridiculous and weird. I don't know what they are going to do to me. Maybe I will not be charged at all, who knows? I was stupid enough to send them an email asking where my phone bill is, though. I also am really lost in choosing courses for my next term since I don't know if those courses are worthwhile and suitable for me. I don't feel like eating again. All I ate today was a plate of fries. I only had one meal on thursday I believe. Same to wednesday. I wrote my theatre essay but it looks like crap. I lost the ability to willing to sleep, or rather to tell myself to sleep. I was apparently too pushing and bring pressure. The food goes on sucking in the dining hall, and being extremely expensive, I don't think I have had a meal which I actually do feel happily full with food which taste above-average for that price since I came. I would even prefer living on cold sandwiches and microwave/instant food for the whole term (being Asian, having warm food nearly all the time has become a habit- but that can be changed of course).

Anyway what's the point? I'm just ranting because I suck at studying, I am not interesting, I bring pressure, I am not talented since I only get a 5 in IB theatre, I don't know enough, I don't know the things I should, I am lazy, I never did things I should, I am asian, I am not social, I an hungry, I can't convince myself to go sleeping, I am not tall enough, I like to talk to myself, I like to be alone, I don't understand people, I don't know how to please people, I don't like partying, I try to care about stuff but I end up making things worse, everything that is, I am not artistic enough, I am not clever enough, I don't look good enough so I could make a living out of my looks, I am not rich enough so that I don't have to worry about anything, yet I am not poor enough so that random rich people will pay me for my whole life.

I should just shut up and get a life.

Again the crows have disappeared.

As Björk sings right now 'you're gonna have to find out for yourself'...
Whatever that means to me right now.

Woah...

... two more new discoveries. Bad that some of you guys have a life and thus no time to write a blog. Read Ruth Anne's email about some kind of bank account set up for us in Førde? No one seemed to have checked their whatever mails recently. At least no one said anything about the bank account thing. Oh hell, why am I talking about that? I don't think it is too interesting is it?

*someone whispers* it's not like you write interesting stuff otherwise... *whispers*

Ahem, actually that is true. But I am not really interested in that bank thing yet since, as I said in my email reply to the bank thing, I am FAR from financially able to donate a single nickel. Well, it's a good idea though, at least I know what to do when I a)have too much money (which is very unlikely); b)don't have enough money and starving to death(hmm... I always wonder why the crows and vultures are always around me... interesting)- at least within the next 10 years. Don't worry. I won't start asking for help until the crows start to eat my rotten hair for dessert. Oh, disturbing image.

Today was not exactly a good day for me. I, habitually ditched my calculus class in the morning. And I some work to do for next monday and tuesday- Math homework, Theatre essay, German homework and a German test. Actually it might be a good thing for me since I always whine about how bored I am and how don't I have a life. The course timetable/catalogue was out yesterday I believe, and well, I honestly don't know what I can study. I don't even know if I should go towards the courses I like or if I should actually talk to someone and make the most effective, degree/credit oriented choices. I do feel a little bit lost yes, among a couple other things... so sorry folks, there might not be any 'interesting' writings other than daily reports...

Nah, why should I make two entries instead of one? I'll just keep this until I think of something to write.

*thinking*
*thinking*
*thinking... of something else*
*thinking*

Well, let me tell a story. No. I'd rather not. It would take me ages to complete that idea I have in my mind. Way too much time to make it understandable- sad, sad. I think it is an absolutely good concept for a play. Anyway, I wrote it down already. Forget about it. I actually can't think of anything I can write here. Right. Am I really being too anti-social? Even I am not studying I like to sit in my room alone and pretty much do nothing. Even I could sit with someone during meals I don't. Sometimes I even go at weird times, such as between lunch to dinner, just to save some money and also avoid the crowd. I feel a little bit scared in too big crowds. It's too noisy for me. People, chairs... wait. I think I have talked about this before. I feel useless. Why can't I know stuff that is interesting to tell? Why can't I just at least know SOMETHING? Right. Nobody likes to see people whine. I'll shut up. I guess the reason why you read my blog is you want entertainment since you're bored, but not you love watching people whining and complaining about the same things again and again like me, right?

Oh, three more days then I will know if I actually get the keyboard/synthesizer. I do am looking forward to it since then I can just try to record and maybe try to post links to my music or something. I don't know. The more I type, the more I feel like I am just talking to myself and it was actually me who wrote all those comments and made up all the other blogs I read. Scary. Ever watched Fight Club?

Talking about people's blogs, who else has a blog? I mean, some of you know that I know you have one... yes, I am bored and I need more stuff to read/do.

I hear some random voices. They are all saying:

'get a life'.

So, my alarm is working again but my life is not.

Disappeared for a while

Yes I have.
Well not from life though. Just didn't really know what to write.
Cool to see people like my drawings. They are just sudden sparks. I can nearly garuntee there will not be drawings which can be shown to the public anymore actually... ah-ha.

I was fiddling around with Mozilla Thunderbird which is something like MS Outlook and I accidentally pretty much made all the mails in my UWC mail gone. Lovely. I love life. One other little bit of info: I am buying a keyboard, well, a synthesizer from the internet so that means soon I'll switch from drawing to actually making music in my free time. No, really, I'm dead serious.

Yeah, just to post something so that you guys know I'm still alive. Got a few comments from readers that I don't know they are reading my blog. It's nothing bad, don't worry. I'm happy that you guys are reading- yes I did NOT know you guys have been reading my blog :P Well, help me to make more people read it if you guys are interested ;)

By the way have you guys noticed I never wrote any single bit of information (nearly) about what happens between my and my beloved girlfriend? Ha-ha-ha, I am not gonna let you guys know about every single thing about my life, of course. Well, so I'll just leave all the joy and happiness between my & her. And don't you dear readers dare to worry, we are doing a great job in loving each other (at least I think she is ;) ), thanks. And that's all about us I'll be sharing. Gee did I sound arrogant or mean? Nooooooooooooooooooooo. :)

Take care, time for me to take a... (let your imagination fly)

I drew this also... I was just too bored. Click to enlarge.

Added some effects... no one is reading my blog anyway.

I was bored so I drew.
Turned the flash of my camera off so it got blurred, which made it look even better.

I have spent 5 minutes thinking of the title of this post. And I ended up using no titles- it's not like this post is going to be concentrated on one topic anyway.

Let's start with typing some boring daily reports, then hopefully I will have inspirations to write something more interesting. Does it matter though? Doesn't seem like I have a lot of readers anyway. Well it's not like I crave for friends or anything, but I just find this a little bit sick- I am just constantly talking to myself, but instead of looking into a mirror and speak as I did back in my younger days, the mirror has just become a keyboard and a blog. Anyway, this can be elaborated after I report my day maybe. Or should I talk about my day at all? Who would be interested in a non-social university student's boring school day life anyway? At least I won't be. I can even fall asleep or feel annoyed when I think of how dull my day is. Wait- I think I'm contradicting myself here. Didn't I say I don't mind being alone, and in fact I do like being alone? Yes. Of course I did. But not like THIS. I don't know. Just that I don't feel very good about today.

I thought I was going to have a production meeting of some theatre performance in the afternoon but, with a brain size of a monkey, it is not surprising that I forgot when. So I woke up at eight in the dear morning and ran to the theatre basement to check the crew call notice board. Fine. Half-five in the evening. I actually doubted if I should attend the meeting because apparently I asked my teacher, who is the T.D. of the whole production said something like,'well everyone who signed up should come...' in a more friendly way in his e-mail reply. Then I went to the meeting and well, it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. There are 4 plays in that production, and only the people in the first 2 were there, somehow... So I made a complete idiot out of myself. Well, good that my teacher helped me out a little bit. During the introduction time, it was my turn and I just said,'hey, uh, I'm Derek, but- I'm actually only working for the 3rd play (this meeting is only for the people involved in the 1st and 2nd ones), but Anil (my teacher) said I should come also, so... you guys basically don't have to know me since I'm not really supposed to be here.' Then my dear teacher said something like yeah I have told Derek that people from other parts of the production were always welcome and it's nothing bad just to see how it works blah blah blah. So I ended up sitting down listening to a, pretty amateur production meeting. Probably because we ARE amateurs. Then halfway of the meeting I couldn't stand the boredom and just said sorry & thank you just to be polite and left. I mean, I actually don't really care if I made a fool out of myself in front of the others. I just think all the waking up at 8 and thus suffering from a bad mood all day was not worth. It's a little bit annoying when I finally try to be a responsible person for a little bit and I was responsible on something that I wasn't supposed to. Annoying.

So, German grammar is kililng me now. Yet again, a child-monkey's brain does NOT have the capacity to remember all the correct grammar. I can basically pretty much understand as much normal spoken German as I should- meaning the things that were taught in class. I can also express myself slowly and with limited vocabulary, but usually not really in correct grammar which is my biggest concern. Also pronounciation and accent has to be worked on, but living in Norway for two years somehow helped me understand pronouncing European languages. I mean it.

Right, now I'm done with my daily report of what I've done. What else should I say? I have lost track of my own little world recently. I cannot relate anything to it. I cannot even notice the crows anymore. The trees are not thrusting into different directions with a specific exploding or contracting motion anymore. The air does not become visible and form incredible bubbles or tubes anymore. I start to hear and comprehend people's conversations in the dining hall. I cannot picture myself running in a maze or hopping around in my little red boots anymore. These all should not happen. I guess I should do something to find my way back. I don't want to get kick out of my own world by myself unwillingly. Sounds pathetic and contradicting but that is happening somehow. I don't know how I managed to do that but well, sometimes I won't know how I made the decision to jump onto that plane and flew to Norway and stayed for two years. But it is different. Norway good. Kicked out of my own world no good. Errrh. Me thinks a vodka bottle sits on one of my speakers. Why is vodka gone? No good. See dirty clothes on the floor. Why is them dirty? Errrrh. No good, eh? Ay, no good.

(someone yelled: Captain! Why don't ye post thy writing 'gain? No one saw't me thinks...)

Right.

«hiding behind a daisy petal»

put me in the wooden ship
cast seven spells t'seal it tight
my dreams will be my pilot
when they fly me to the moon

sleep me among purple flowers
bring two coins and c'ver my sight
my dreams are now my pilot
and i'm flying to the moon

fly me to the mother moon
come five fairies t'kiss me g'night
my dreams say when night's over
i will be back on the moon

waltz me out of t'wretched world
shed no tears for i'll shine bright
my dreams have brought me hither
the soft cradle of the moon

there must be something wrong

There must be something wrong. Something terrible. From friday onwards, I could never concentrate for more than 15 minutes; kept having shadows and shades going here and there; I also could smell there's something wrong in the air: it smells, dead. Just so dead that it's not like the quietness or silence I like anymore. I am afraid something horrible might happen to me or something like that. I don't know. It is really scary this time. I can hear very strange flowing water and dripping voice out of nowhere suddenly. I hear people whispering or talking to each other very far away from me, very quickly and anxiously. What is wrong? Even the crows are gone. Completely gone. It even looks like that the souls of the trees have moved away. What is it? Do They know what's wrong? Is that why they all left? Why am I left here with this strange feeling growing in my head? It is like a baby. At the beginning it feels kind of funny, then it grows bigger and starts to move and turn around, which makes you feel weird. In the end it feels so heavy that it is just fucking unbearable. Finally, really fucking finally you have to go through a massive amount of pain to get the whole thing out. (But once you let it out, you love it until the day you die.) But no one else could notice it growing this time. No one else. Not even myself. I am just suspecting.

Have you guys ever had such a feeling before? Having bad visions and dreams all night when you have your eyes closed, and having shadows around you and vertigoes in your head all day when your eyes are open, physically open at least. This has happened to me before I am sure. Bad visions lead to bad stuff. Really bad visions and feelings and sensations and dreams this time lead to really really really really bad stuff I'm afraid. Am I going to get hit by a source 4 light when I am working in the theatre? Am I going to get a electric shock? Or am I just going to die suddenly, say, a few minutes later? I am not scared of those.

I am afraid that, I don't die after whatever it is happened.

Maybe all I need is just a cup of hot coffee and someone to cradle me.
Or maybe simply a glass of good vodka and someone to hold me.

I think I just need to hide behind a daisy petal and moonlight to warm me.

hiding behind a daisy petal

put me in the wooden ship
cast seven spells t'seal it tight
my dreams will be my pilot
when they fly me to the moon

comments?

I can't sleep.

So I got bored and decided to change the layout of my blog. I love the circles. I absolutely do- just that, I am a little bit bored of them- and they tend to drive my eyes crazy late at night, when my eyes are tired, my head is itching but my brain does not want to go to sleep. I also changed the title of it and added a description. It doesn't mean too much to me honestly, both are just quotes from the play I'm reading for my theatre class, and it's titled 'Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead'. A play inspired by Shakespeare's Hamlet, apparently. I, of course do agree with the title, it's not like 'wow, it sounds cool, let's put it as my blog's title and look cool myself'... well, people who read this blog usually know me well enough and I don't really think I should go on explaining why I agree or any similar matters touching the concept of living spontaneously.

*EDIT: the folloring paragraph IS long but please, bear with me. It's worth reading I promise.

Tomorrow is officially Thanksgiving in Canada. So it is gonna be a public holiday or something like that, and as I said, most of the people are gone. I am just wondering who on earth had been doing the exact same thing at the exact same time as I did- taking time difference into consideration too. Actually I should say I have always been wondering. Alright, here is an example, just in case my verbal skill is not good enough to express my stupid little thought. There we go: I woke up at 9am, went to brush my teeth, then talked to people and went to the dining hall, hoping to get something for takeaway. Then finding out there's nothing I wanted to eat, I walked back and had a cigarette... Then I read 'R&G are Dead', couldn't fall asleep and thought about if anyone would be doing the same thing as I did throughout the day, taking time difference into consideration. Now, would there be a person on this earth who also woke up at 9am, went to brush his/her teeth, then talked to people and went to a restaurant or dining hall, hoping to get something for takeaway. Then finding out there's nothing s/he wanted to eat, s/he walked back and had a cigarette... Then s/he read 'R&G are Dead', couldn't fall asleep and thought about if anyone would be doing the same thing as s/he did throughout the day, taking time difference into consideration. There we go, someone like me, who woke up at 9am, went to brush my teeth, then talked to people and... you see what I'm getting at? Would it be scary to think about you are not that unique? Have you realized how funny it is to create infinite loops going into one direction with such a simple thought, an easy concept, joining people's lives? Really, I would like to find a person who by chance did exactly the same or extremely similar things for roughly the same durations as I did on the same day. Would that be a person who is very similar to me? Would that just be a random person just because I slept for the whole day on any given random day? I am getting slightly caught up in this idea- this can turn out to be a good play. Or would it just turn into a dull infinite loop that lasts for 100 years, with actors dying and new actors joining. And then in the end, acting will be the same as reality- and reality will essentially become acting for those actors. At the beginning the actors are just acting out a fake routine of life, pretending that they actually did those and found someone who did the same things. Then that someone will be essentially acting also, since s/he is performing. But soon, after a few hours' time, or a few day's time, reality starts to blend in... See? Another loop. Or is it? I am too lazy/stupid to figure it out. If it's not, just leave a comment and tell me how stupid and childish I am. Go ahead, don't be shy, you know I don't care. Then you guys will just say I'm stupid and childish. And... Loop. Gee this is a stupid one. Forget about it. Help me figure out the acting loop. It's a good way to kill time- unless a)I'm really so stupid that I think everyone else would also need a certain amount of time and soberness as I do, b)There exists some kind of really clever readers of my blog.

Well, then again, who except me would be weird or 'clever' enough to actually think of and post such an idea at a quarter to one late at night? (I think I am really stuck with the 'loop' problem...)

Loop. I like this word. Sounds funny.

My hair itches. I am gonna wash it tomorrow morning.

The campus is nearly empty.

Most people have gone home for the turkey festival- I mean, thanksgiving. Honestly, as a person who has no religions, I don't understand what's going on. Is thanksgiving just another excuse for families to gather and have some extra-large meals, as if the food is not greasy and fat enough up here? Maybe it is something like mid-autumn festival in our beloved Chinese culture. Don't know. I might sound like someone who's jealous of those who can actually go home and meet up with their families after going away from home for, uh, a month. I just want them to know how much they are missing- no queues in the dining hall (yes I know there shouldn't really be queues at homes either), chances to daydream alone at the dining hall quietly, without lots of background noise ranging from laughing to dropping plates and forks (yes, it's not like I don't daydream when there are people around anyway)... blah. It just feels peaceful again. I like this feeling, when I am kind of alone, but not completely alone- of course I have never said I would die of boredom if I lived completely alone. The 2000 (I am still have no damn clue how many people are around on campus- there are just too many. My brain has some better things to do) students who live in residence suddenly, yet quietly disappear, until maybe 100 or 200, or even less of us are left. I find it funny how people just disappear in a snap's time. 'Snap'. Gone. 'Snap, snap'. More gone. In a blink's time I feel so much better. I am in a sense socially impaired maybe, but well who cares?

Yesterday- no, today. No. Yesterday. Anyway here's the story: due to the weird stains on the outside of my window, I rarely lift my curtains up. I mean, I asked the maintainence to kinda help me out cleaning- but it seems like they either don't understand English, or think I can manage to somehow float in the air, lifting myself 6 or 7 meters to clean my pretty windows. So, where was I? I feel like Polonius (that I call the post-Hamlet-personal-character-disorder). Yes, I rarely lify my curtains up. But then that one single day I have decided just to take a look at my windows after two days of rain, hoping the raindrops might have eaten the ice cream on the outside of my window, and guess what I saw? Well, the ice cream was still there, undoubtfully, but that's not the point. Now imagine you were me, and I was watching a theatre play, and the, well, window frame's the proscenium (someone tell me how to spell this word) arch/frame/whatever that is in English (shit, I need to know that for one of my theatre course's mid-term...). Anyway, then from stage right, slowly there was something black hopping across and it stopped roughly at mid-stage, pretty much right in front of me. It was, well, not an actor. No, not an actress either. NO! NOT the curtains! It was a crow! That crow actually surprised me a little bit. Well, after a second or two, literally face-to-face situation, the crow... made an about turn while I was still fascinated by my lovely view (remember I am somehow obsessed with those black feathery flying things?), and, well, hopped its way back at ease. It was, well a funny incident for me at least. I can just imagine the sound of its claws hitting on the little flat piece of concrete. 'Tick, tack, teck, tick, teck...' Then it stopped and looked at me for a second or two, then turns back, and went: 'tick, tack, teck, tick, teck...' and disappears.

Broccoli! When will I write something sensible or interesting?

Ask Carrot.

P.S. Broccoli and Carrot are not... any people or, well in this case, living objects that I know of... I just somehow have the image of, ahem, a broccoli witting on my left and a carrot standing on my right.

-sorry I know my posts are either boring or weird.

Still hiding behind a Daisy petal, playing hide-and-seek with morning dews.

Hiding behind a Daisy petal.

So I only made it to day 3.

Is it good or is it bad? I don't really know. I did feel a little bit bad about starting again actually. My floormates are a little bit disappointed at me, well at least they say so- but when the hell have I started to care about how the others think about me? I mean, I am not going to do it like... a old train or something- Just that, I don't really see any reason for completely cutting it down, and have a fairly large amount of coffee or drinks whenever I feel like smoking. I think it is worse.

It is some time like 8am in the morning and somehow I am awake already- probably because of my final blow last night. 4 shots in a short period of time, then went to dinner- and that was it. I couldn't stand it. So, being not too sober, a nice gentleman whom I don't know at all gave me a cigarette. It was of a weird, weird brand but I didn't seem to care. I was mumbling words, or well, I tried to speak sentences, trying to explain it was my day 3 and I couldn't stand it anymore and blah blah blah... well, being a nice man he was, he did not seem to care why I wanted a cigarette. He might thought he should not reject a poor little chinese boy's request. I should actually, maybe start quitting again- or should I not?

Nah. It's not like I do care about how you guys think. What the hell am I supposed to do when one half of me says yay and the other nay? Go crazy? Eat a crocodile (thanks Hamlet.)? Ha? Aye, I am going to have a German presentation in 2 hours- and I somehow have a really bad sore throat. Maybe because of the coffee, maybe the vodka, maybe my brain. I am supposed to wake up now, not half an hour ago. Now my 'alarm' 'rings'. 'Shine on you crazy diamond...' Gee it is such a nice song- but does it give me a good morning? Njah, does it REALLY matter? Life isn't anything especially cheerful at the moment.

I suddenly think of a line of lyrics from Evita the musical.

'Don't look down, it's a long, long way to fall.'

Seeräuber-Jenny

How many of you remember the Threepenny opera (die Dreigroschenoper)?

...und wenn dann der Kopf fällt, sag ich: Hop-la!
Und das Schiff mit acht Segeln,
und mit fünfzig Kanonen,
wird entschwinden mit mir.

the old days... those were the days when we were having fun in flekke, with dreams, as few worries as possible... those were the days when we were young, when we did whatever we wanted. when we did not care about consequences, when we had time to waste. what is youth? what is adolescence? it is something that the young ones, as a right, to burn away.

... and when the heads fell, I said: Hop-la!
And the ship with eight great sails,
and with fifty guns loaded,
woull sail away with me.

those were the days that life burns.

(what was the point of this entry? Well... that's what happens when I am studying for a german test tomorrow + vodka + strong hot coffee + reading for a theatre lecture...)

It suddenly popped up.

Donnie, 'why are you wearing that stupid rabbit suit?'
Frank, 'why are you wearing that stupid man suit?'

yeah, why are we all?

By the way...

whoever comes by just say something- it's be cool to let me know your blog. Well, that is, if you want me to know you're reading my bullshit here. And... for those who actually know that I know your blogs... well.

Anyway. I'm just bored. When I'm bored I listen to songs that do mean something for me.

'And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad...'

'Coin-operated boy,
sitting on a shelf,
he is just a toy,
but I turn him on...'

'And how we find the same old fears,
wish you were here.'

Now playing: Donnie Darko soundtrack.

Waiting for dinner.

So D-day+1.

Feels funny.
I cannot smell cigarettes anymore when I have my hand on my face. My hair does not smell like cigarettes anymore. Feels like something is missing. Something which should be missing is missing. I know it is good for me, but it just feels weird. Maybe I should stop thinking about it, maybe I should get something to help me quit smoking. I mean, I do want to quit, of course- but you know, habits.

Anyway. Enough about smoking and quitting smoking.

So this week will be pretty busy for me- yes, I have JUST realized how stressful this week can go. I have a German test and a theatre quiz tomorrow, and I have a math mid-term on wednesday. And of course there will be loads and loads of reading for my theatre courses, plus the 4 theatre practical hours in the workshop on Saturday. I don't understand. Now life in here has gone through a cycle. Just, basically now everything goes in cycles, just like in Hong Kong. It is getting a little bit scary. Yes, life goes in cycles- this is mentioned in 'I am Dina' and 'Lovers of the Arctic Circle'. Even 'Donnie Darko' touches the idea of that little infinite loop.

What would have been changed if that little drop of rain falls on the grass instead of the leaves? What COULD have been changed? What am I talking about?

Right. Let's think of something else to say.

Haven't written for long.

So I am quitting smoking. For a better health, just for a change, or just to have something to do except reading massive amount of plays oder arbeite Deutsch. Well since I can see myself eating less and less and all that symptoms of dying- so I should let the others do this holy mission: to smoke all the cigarettes so less people can start/go on smoking, thus, sacrificing themselves to save the others. Sounds familiar, eh? Heard of the name Jesudoff or Marlsus? Right. Nothing particularly interesting has happened. I am losing the motivation somehow. Maybe I am used to the workload already and I don't think I actually have to work THAT hard, maybe I just have lost interest, or maybe I am just not determined enough. I don't know. I don't feel anything. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like not working. Days feel weird recently.

I want to make friends with the crows here. There are millions of them up here on campus, and they always hang around the residence. Some of them like to walk across paths, some like to hang out in groups on a specific roof, some like to hang out alone in random places, one likes the lamp post nearby my (ex-)private smoking place, one likds the flagpole somewhere outside the dining hall. I want to talk to them, I want them to tell me what they see. I find crows incredibly attractive suddenly. Their black feather, their weird entrances (hop, stumble or fly in from weird places e.g. a meter or less above your head), and I find their deep colored beaks really interesting to look at. I always hear them talking to each other, but I am just too shy to join them. I know how to talk crowish, but I am just too shy to do it- what if they don't like me? Or what if the people think I am fucking crazy?

Oh, I forgot I actually am.

Right, lecture time.