Not the best week I could have had

So the week has gone by half. And it was not exactly the best I've had.
The Sunday was nice and all, just that the old UWCers are a bit too old to be connected to. Then of course I slacked off on Monday which I have no classes- so on Tuesday during the mythology class I found out I made a major plot mistake in my synopsis. I will see how it goes, eh? And then the stage management class was okay. Nothing special. And the acting class was a little bit weird. I was just not there for some reasons. I was physically there but- probably some weird dreams from the night before was bugging me subconsciously. I will try to talk about the dream later on. Actually except that... the week was just plain. Usual things, you know, talking to random people, having meals with the same people, watching tv with nearly the same people...

So today, I forgot to do the biography of a choreographer for my stage management class. The teacher just said 'oh, whatever'. Maybe she was pissed off, maybe she just really meant 'whatever' as in it would not matter. Ah well, at least I made some good points and stuff during the rest of the class.

I finally made up my mind and send my script to the theatre company which is going to hold a festival in may-june. I will talk about how it goes when I know.

Oh my first year left me a message on msn saying she had something to tell me, but unfortunately I was in my stage management class so I missed the chance to gossip, or hearing her ranting. Ah well, I am looking forward to the piece of news she's gonna bring. Maybe something funny, maybe something shocking, maybe something not that interesting at all.

And the dream on Monday night. It was inflicted by vodka use. I have some vodka left from the UWC party on Sunday, so I just have been drinking it whenever these days. I don't remember, or I don't want to remember too much about the dream actually. It was, on the surface, not a nightmare at all. It was warm and rich, like a cup of good coffee in the morning. But the thing is, there are things that are so warm and rich that you never want them to end. And let's not mention if you consciously know that they are just a dream or your own imagination. Weird.

I know I don't have a lot of deep or seems-to-be-deep thoughts posted on my blog these days. Can't help it, sorry. I am getting better over It, but it's not like it does not bother me anymore. And I have got a feeling that my classes this semester are gonna be a bit more difficult that I thought- AND I have to plan my trip after april, and not forgetting to find an apartment or a room to move out to before too late.

Selma has been living in my head these days. Selma from Dancer in the Dark, in case you don't know. Go check it out if you don't.

'And the man you'll marry, the home you'll share...'
and she sings:
'To be honest, I really don't care.'
I am jealous. Jealous that she can be so devoted to one person that she's willing to give her own life up. Where is mine then? Thought I have it, and now it's gone.

'You're gonna have to find out for yourself...'
There are so many things to think about, as I have said before. And I really wanna do well in the acting class. Maybe I am just still too self-conscious of myself sometimes. No. I AM. Being self-conscious in a sense that I fucking care what I am doing, not like I care how people see what I am doing. Hard to explain.

'Why do I love you so much? What kind of magic is this?'
Theatre, why? You, why?

And finally...

'If living is seeing, I'm holding my breath.
I wonder, and wonder what happens next.'

Do you know that feeling? The feeling you get before falling asleep. Not the feeling of being sleepy. It is like, you feel that everything is spinning and time is running so fast, and your head is like a raging river, like a ejaculation that every single thought, every single memory, every single fantasy runs by so quickly that you cannot hold onto it. Like, you know, in movies when someone dies, the montage of flashbacks and wishes- but played 100 times faster. So fast that the sound is altered too, so fast that the sound spins with the image in your head. Colours don't exist either. They just blend in hard and quick in the form of hair-thin spirals. You cannot actually see the images, even with your eyes closed. But you just KNOW what the images are. It's like floating in water in darkness. Not floating on the surface, but just suspending in the middle, without the suffocating feeling. But in fact nothing is moving. Nothing is flowing and time is ticking away slow enough to make you think it has stopped while not making anyone else think so.

Do you?

Selma, do you?

Time to have a shot or two before going to see my acting prof's performance.
I have time.

Or do I?