A little update.

So I had a mythology mid-term quiz thing today. Ah well, I did not fuck it up too bad, but neither did I fuck it in the ass. Anyway. Remember the acting job over summer I talked about a while earlier? I am asked to audition for it. Another step closer to getting my first official paid job. T. tagged me just now for some games- as I don't have too much to say at the moment, I'll just play along. Guess that game thing will trigger some thoughts. Seems like it's a game of 4's.

4 jobs I had:

eh... actually, I am still a virgin in terms of official employment. However, if you count receiving money after working for a period of time...

1. Actor (just a tiny bit of money as I was only... 12 or 13 years old)
2. Assistant Stage Manager (just another tiny bit of money as it was only a semi-prof. performance anyway)
3. Hand. (received.)
4. Blow. (received.)

(EW.)

4 films I could watch again:

What? Only 4 films? Fine.

1. Trainspotting
2. 2046
3. Happy Together
4. Lovers of the Arctic Circle

Honourable mentions (yes I'm cheating here):

Fight Club, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Requiem for a Dream, American History X, In the Mood for Love, Days of Being Wild, Chungking Express, Burnt by the Sun, Amadeus, Immortal Beloved, Donnie Darko, Lola Rennt, Talk to Her, Memento...

ALL those movies mentioned above, I've watched them for at least 3 times. AT LEAST.

4 places I lived at:

1. My own head (and still living)
2. Hong Kong
3. Flekke, Norway
4. Burnaby/Vancouver, Canada (and probably still living)

4 TV series I like to watch:

Hmm... it is difficult here as I don't watch a lot of TV. Can't really list them. Cartoons and any documentaries dealing with animals will do.

4 places I have been on vacation to:

Painful, joyful, scary, weird, funny, yet all memorable places.

1. Nokia+Tampere+Helsinki, Finalnd
2. Hong Kong (YES, I go back for summer breaks.)
3. Bogovadja+Belgrade, Serbia & Montenegro (Well, technically it was volunteering but...)
4. There are more than 1 place left that I have been to during breaks... so I'll leave it blank to be fair.

4 websites I visit everyday:

1. You don't wanna know
2. You don't wanna know
3. You don't wanna know
4. You don't wanna know

Just kidding, truth here:

1. Friends blogs (I don't even visit my own blog everyday)
2. Yahoo Hong Kong (to read news back 'home')
3. Google
4. ... I don't really have any other sites that I visit everyday.

4 books (to recommend I suppose)

1. The Theatre and its double- Antonin Artaud
2. An Actor Prepares- Constantin Stanislavsky
3. Playbo... Nah, I actually haven't read even one issue of it. Right. Guerrilla Warfare- Che Guevara (just for the fun of it, it's not like it's a great piece of literature)
4. ANY, and I mean ANY, fairy tales collection books.

4 places where I'd like to be right now

1. My head
2. Flekke
3. Artaud's head
4. On stage

So it's time to tag people I guess... Niko is tagged already, Kate is tagged already... hmm. Let's see. I'll tag 3 people only then. I know the Icelandic is not going to update any time soon and the kids are busy with their mocks.

Vittu (muhaha, you HAVE TO), Spanish person (if you're alive)and Zh.

It's 3am

And I spend the last 4 hours trying to write a pirate role playing game. Role playing as in you ACTUALLY walk around and do stuff instead of doing stuff in your own head. Ask me and I'll let you have a look. It really seems fun actually.

Anyway- night.

Edward.

Sometimes I wonder how it is like to be Edward. He has been trapped in the castle for ages. He saw his own dreams breaking right in front of him. He tried to hold onto it but his stupid scissorhands shattered it even more. Then he was brought away from the castle, to know what the word 'warmth' means. Seeing sprinklers, children playing, every single thing for the first time. The first time. Everything is just so exciting and interesting. I remember I talked about it with T. before. I would like to erase all my non-vital/essential memories. I would like to erase even more than Joel and Clem did. Not only a specific person.

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Just to feel them all for the first time. Just to have the feeling of every fucking thing is so amazing. Even the things that hurts. Even the feeling of making a mistake for the first time. Take away my memory of love, my memory of sex, my memory of being loved, my memory of my friends, and whatever else if you wish. You can even take away the feeling of my first performance on stage, my last performance in Flekke, my first play, whatever. Now think. Remember how it felt the first time you kiss somone? Remember how it felt the first time you thought you love someone? Remember how it felt the first time you knew you love someone? Remember how it felt the first time you had sex? Remember how it felt the first time you thought somone loves you? Remember how it felt the first time you knew someone loves you? Remember the first day of school? Remember the first piece of chicken you had? Remember the first sip of alcohol you serectly had? Remember your first scar on your body? Even a scar makes you amazed. Remember that? Remember the first time you felt wind touching your skin? Remember? Remember. Try. Try to bring that feeling back, when everything was new and fresh. When you are not sick of anything around you, and when nothing around you is sick of you. Close your eyes and think about every single first-time you ever had.

I believe it is one of the reasons why kids are so happy. Meeting or learning about new things is always exicting, no?

How about doing things for the last time then? It is as valuable as doing things for the first ever time in your life- and I will talk about it sooner or later. Got an exam on mythology next Tuesday, so don't expect me to write anything meaningful in my blog before Tuesday night/Wednesday afternoon.

And so I watched 'American History X' just now. Nothing much to say about it actually. Theatrically it gave me a new idea of how Edward Norton's acting could be. He is no worse than Gary Oldman I tell you. The movie is simple in a sense. The message was crystal clear. 'Blood is always red. Bones are always white. Skins should be transparent. Fuck rasicm.' (sounds reasonable and cool, eh?) Simple. Easy to understand.

Anyway. A few more swigs and I should head to bed.

Shine on.

EDIT: how does this sound? This: 'Imagine how beautiful the world would be if we could only do things for the first-and-last time. Imagine this is the only time you would ever be able to imagine. Imagine that.'

Late nights are good for writing.

I usually don't feel like writing during the day, especially if I'm completely sober. And I just did my German test yesterday so basically all the stress of this week is over. Plus I sent my resumé off to the theatre company thing, hoping I will get a chance to interview while on the other hand hoping I won't so that I can go back to Hong Kong and find a relatively less demanding (but less well-paid) job. Anyway.

As I was walking alone along the Drive today... Before talking about that- maybe I should talk a little bit about the Drive itself although I don't know much about it. (It's actually just an excuse to let myself think about what to talk about...) So, the real name's Commercial Drive and somehow they just call it the Drive sometimes. Full of coffee shops and other interesting things. I don't know much about it actually although I've been there a few times. Whatever. I don't really know what to say about it. So, I was walking alone along the Drive today after my German test, I felt funny. In a good way. I wanted to laugh like a maniac. There was this feeling of extreme freedom even if people look a little bit strange at you as I didn't see too many Chinese there strangely. Never felt like that when I was on campus. Really don't know why though. I just don't feel too comfortable around on campus somehow. But today when I was wandering (literally simply wandering) on the street, looking into coffee shops and other interesting little stores without any purpose (I didn't even want coffee at all- had a HUGE cup of it before my German test that morning), it kind of felt like walking along the student village road. The one in Flekke I'm talking about.

Ah fuck. This post is as dry as my eyes. Later.

And now I'm not.

Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got alcohol?

This post makes little sense I reckon. So, dear interested readers, read the previous post instead.

So I am sober...

and I am supposed to get some work done. The online homework thing for my German class has been weird. I either could not log in, or when I successfully login, I found out someone has been doing my homework. Or maybe I did it when I was drunk. I don't recall doing any German homework in the fast few days though. It is a little bit scary. Was that me or was that just some stupid dude in my class who's messing up?

Sometimes it is scary that such little mysteries come up. So last night I did not manage to have dinner after talking to Vittu. Apparently I woke up at 10 and spent at least 2 hours figuring out what date it was. It was Sunday night. Apparently I fell asleep a few hours earlier. Then I somehow managed to stay up until 5am this morning, had a little drink and try to sleep. AND I had a strange dream. Very strange. I dreamt of an alternate ending of the movie 'the Godfather'. I dreamt of my acting class in a sketchy old pub in the middle of nowhere drinking and doing nothing in the afternoon. I dreamt of dancing with a classmate.

It was like, she threw a glass of milk at someone who was being annoying, and it spilled on me a bit. Then I said to her, half annoyed and half kidding, 'oi watch it!' (I did say 'oi'). Hearing that, she just came up to me and wiped the milk off my face and dragged me to the empty dancing floor and started dancing. Soon everyone joined us. And then somehow we did something (which I don't remember what) and then we need to kill people and run away from someone/something. Yeah, I know, the running part is indispensible for some reasons. All my dreams. I don't really know what it means though as I am actually not close to that classmate in real life at all. But that dream, it was a completely story- just that I don't remember half of it right now. It was intense though. When I woke up at 10am today (alcohol sleeps never last long), I was like... 'uh... that didn't really happen, did it?'

So the official closure was yesterday. Now I'm completely over it, actually I should have classified it as one of those I-get-over-it-within-a-week incidents since the beginning. Well I kind of did actually, it's been kind of only a week only. But yep. Yesterday was official. I was quitting it before, now I have quitted. You guys should congratulate me or something. At least buy me a drink. Oh, quitted smoking I mean. It's good for my heart. The little red organ got pretty fucked up after all these things. I want a healthy heart to give when I hopefully finally feel like to, some day in the future. Or at least when someone dares to come to dig it out, they will have it alive and healthy instead of a clogged and black one, although I am sure it is pretty scarred already.

If you think I was also talking about something else, maybe I am. I was watching Sesame Street and some Bugs Bunny TV shows as I really didn't feel like working. It just feels weird to be normal. I was flipping through the TV channels for hours and hours like a white trash. I found out the only things that interested me were Discovery channel and the kids channel. They don't have Animal Planet here, what a shame. Through this I made sure I am still not that much contaminated by the reality. Don't fucking know who would even want to make the first step towards it. It's like certain suicide. Or it's like self-castration. But some people just do it, voluntarily or not. They just don't resist enough.

I suddenly figured out another reason that I like to write plays which has been hiding deep in my mind. I write the things that I want to happen to me but didn't. I guess everyone does that in a way or another. Some people, or most, tend to do that to their children instead of doing it to a laptop or pieces of papers. I write things that I want to experience, good or not, into plays. That's weird, eh? Almost feel like the puppeteer (?) in 'Being John Malkovich'. Sad, isn't it? I don't know why though. It just feels sad. Why can we never be happy with what we are at the present? The things that I want to experience aren't like, 'I want a girlfriend', or something like that- for those who know me a tiny little bit, you know what my plays are usually about. Strange. We try our whole life being something that we are not. Not everyone but most of us do. We just keep changing, consciously or not. For example I try to stay as a kid, some of us try to bring ourselves back to the days in Flekke. We talk about it, we dream about it, we wish about it. But it will never work. Yes, most of the 'back-trackers' genuinely want to be what they are trying to become again. But it rarely works- we aren't like that anymore, we just aren't. Sad but true.

There's also another way to 'be what you are not'. This is the type that I don't like to talk a lot about since it is cheap and silly. Instead of looking back in time at themselves, some people look at the others and try to be them- even if this is not what they really want. People do it for various reasons. Reality is a reason. Reality is THE reason actually. Money, social status, morals and all those crap. They try to put on face paint or masks and impersonate someone else, that someone else being either real or virtual. The scary thing is, in nearly all the cases the masks are posessed. At the beginning your acting sucks and is unconvincing even if you have the mask on, even if you are trying so hard to impersonate. But at the end of the day, when you are alone and have a clear mind, you take the mask off and weep at your cheap acts. Soon enough than you start to realize, the mask lets you take itself off less and less, and by continuous repetition, you are acting better and better, even if you really don't want to be the person you're acting. Then in the end your face just absorbs the mask- there are no masks anymore. You BECAME the person that you don't want to be, involuntarily. At this point the 'trying to be someone else' starts again, either back-tracking or impersonating.

It's the worst when you are trapped in BOTH back-tracking AND impersonating.

It is never good but I am not the one to say because I find myself an addict of both most of the time. I just have to learn how to live at the present moment.

Thanks for making it to the end of this long post and all of you, shine on.

Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit

To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Looks like a nice tattoo idea.

Alumni website

The RCNUWC alumni site is something to look at when I'm bored on a Saturday afternoon. It's strange to think some of us are taking a year off, travelling and looking at the world, some of us are doing damn meaningful volunteering in interesting places, and some, like me, are going on studying.

I am in a sense jealous. Jealous of those who are doing something else instead of studying. I wish I could be teaching volleyball or something like that in, say, China, Eastern Europe or something. But then there is always a possibility to do such stuff after university. I can always offer myself to teach Theatre Arts in flekke. I mean, or I could help Pete out if he's still teaching (or... getting pissed off at Operation Daysworks- Vittu, ring any bells? It WAS Operation Dayswork, right?). I don't know. Just that it feels so weird. It's not even nostalgia. It simply feels strange. Looking through the alumni directory I could almost hear those people reading their little note out as if they are telling me stuff face-to-face. I could almost see them- teaching, working, studying, chilling, and terrorizing roads of Finland. It's just so easy to imagine that. While I was looking at the old mugshots of my co-years in the directory, I realized how much people have changed. We just look different- we already look so different from then today. I can't stop thinking about how everyone will look like 9 and a half years later.

It's scary that I was living in the present so hard, so deeply and so alive during those two years.

I should start living in the present. I really should. Instead of inside my head or bottles.

Long weekend coming.

So I have just realized that school is off next Monday and Tuesday. Not that I would have classes on Monday anyway. But it is a relief that I have Tuesday free as it is my heavyload day. Clock just hit eleven. The quitting is going alright actually. I am not craving for it too much yet. But I know it. Give me a few days and I will be whining like a bitch.

I don't really feel like sleeping again as I will only have two hours of German, and I'm sure we're just going to do revisions for the test. So no effort needed. Maybe I could watch a movie again or something.

Sorry, no deep thoughts today because life's getting a little bit stressful as work from all my classes pile up-

Later.

Choose life/hands in pockets

So there is a job opportunity over summer, if I get the job I will have around $10000 Canadian when the job finishes- that will cover a whole semester's cost. IF I get that job that is. It sounds quite irresistable. Working 10 km north of Vancouver as an actor/tourist guide daily in a goldrush town. I should apply for it anyway even though my classes start 1 week before the last date of job. At least that's what the woman from the theatre company says. Sounds like they are pretty desperate. But then I cannot go back to Hong Kong in summer. I won't be able to meet friends there, I won't be able to see my family and I won't be able to have food from 'home' again. Choices, choices. It's a good opportunity though. First paid job, well paid, and work as an actor. What more can I ask for? Guess I'll just see what happens.

I also made a choice- quit cancer sticking. Majorly it is becauase of money, then it is because of spontaneous impulses I guess. Health is not a big problem to me yet. We are all gonna die anyway, if I went on smoking and get terrible cancer, I might just ask to be put down. Maybe I just want a change, or just setting weird goals for myself to accomplish. It will happen this time.

So I am taking a break from intensely working on my Stage Management homework, let's talk about something.

Clear sky in the evening brings coldness up here on the SFU mountain. While I was walking to the dining hall for dinner, the wind was biting my hands. So both of them sneaked into the side pockets of my leather coat. Suddenly a strong head wind hits my face and body, so the hands instictively brought the two sides of the coat together, forming a leather shield against the wind. As I went on walking, I realized my hands want to join, but the inner lining of the coat became a barrier. It's a weird feeling. It's like, two people reaching for each other, they can feel each other, they can hear each other, they can smell each other, but a thin and strong membrane or wall makes the joining impossible. The feeling was so strong that
I almost felt like ripping the inner lining of my coat out so that my hands can join.

The hands were just right next to each other, not even a centimetre apart, but they just could not touch each other. They can even feel each other's heat and shape, but there's just no way to actually run their fingers on each other's skins. Like a captured animal, caressing the outer world with its eyes and the world caressing it with smell and memories. They want each other but it is impossible. If I pulled my hands out and let them join, they would have been bitten off by the wind. But I could not let that feeling grow in me, it was a heart-tearing feeling. Like watching Hamlet and Ophelia. They love each other. They are always next to each other, but all the external chaos take away their chance to unite. What kind of world is it? How could such kind of tragic moments happen? They are just hands for fuck's sake- let the poor things have what they want. I went on thinking and I realized it was just a matter of choice- come together, freeze and not feel anything or at least feeling each other minimally and stay warm. A little bit miserable, but better than not feeling anything at all.

Then somehow, the hands decided to give it a try. They both jumped out of the pockets before I could stop them. Like a miracle, it was not cold at all outside the pockets- I then found out I was in the dining hall already.

Ever had that feeling before?

Okay it was a bad attempt. I should organize my thoughts a bit more before actually putting pen to paper/fingers to keyboard.

I don't feel like sleeping...

First, K., I know the E in yours is supposed to be a person of course ;)

Right. It's a quarter past twelve and I don't feel like sleeping. In other weekdays I would probably be awake anyway. But usually not Monday nights. I have a full day of classes on Tuesdays as I always say. Anyway.

I don't know. So it is supposed to be Valentine's day now. I don't know what I'm supposed to think (noticed me using 3 'I don't know's so soon?). Am I supposed to think nothing about it because it is just another commercialized day by Hallmark? Or should I even feel sad for the flower farmeres who are ridiculously underpaid when the companies are celebrating their Valentine's day swimming in piles of dollar notes? What about feeling sad? I of course could have done that, or I could write a whole play about it even- trust me, I am capable of doing that if I want to overindulge myself again into sorrow. But I don't feel like feeling bad at the moment. Well that might trigger your thoughts a bit. In a sense of course I'm not over the whole thing yet, then again I don't think I have enough time to care about that as time goes by. She is still the person I care about the most, you may even say I'm still in love with Her, but I'm not obsessed anymore. I've explained it as many times as my sperm count would be so I'd better stop here. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm over it. Anyway. Stop.

So sometimes people are like that. I'm not supposed to stay up because I K-N-O-W that tomorrow I will have a hard time waking up and spending half a day feeling tired and grumpy. I'm, of course, not supposed to be, uh, sipping alcohol at the moment. As a matter of fact not at any moments during the week I suppose. Why though? 'Supposed to'? Who decides that? And even if we let the s-word alone, why do we do things that we know we should not (so many 'we's)? Well, by 'things that should not be done', I don't mean go and rape 100 monkeys and then feed them with cocaine. I am just talking about those small little things- like staying up when I shouldn't. It doesn't even feel good, you know. In a sense I am pretty tired and want to sleep, but somehow there's 1:10 scale, red-skinned Madcap with little horns sitting on my left shoulder, telling me it might be fun not to. Weird, eh? I guess we all just are a little bit rebellous at times. Now back to the first 'question'. 'Supposed to'? I am pretty sick of the whole 'supposed to' thing. I'm 19 and I'm supposed to act like one. Behave a bit more grown-up, be more responsible... Sigh. I don't feel like talking this at the moment though.

So let's talk about something else. Something more 'intellegent' or 'deep', eh?

'I'm just a fucked up girl with a fucked up life. So don't assign me yours.'
It's a line by Clementine, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' that I vaguely remember. It is in a sense good to see that the public actually think a movie of this genre is good too. Maybe they just think it's a good love story, maybe they are able to see beyond that- afterall a love story is an easier starting point than, say, writing a screenplay as in 'Adaptation.'. Well. Assigning lives to the others. Do we do that intentionally, or is it a by-product of love and affection, or even sometimes hate? It's interesting how we depend our lives, no matter to what degree, on someone else. It ALWAYS happens in all the stages of your life. Or maybe not ALWAYS... just, most of the time I guess. But I guess it feels nice to do so, that's why people keep doing it. At least evolution has not taken this ability away from us, yet. When you were a baby you depend on your parents. And then one grows up and 'friends' are added to the list of 'People whom I assign my life to:'. Later maybe Lovers and other people. Then when you're lucky, you add 'kids and grandkids' to your list. Of course it is a simplified version. But I'm merely talking about people here. I am not saying one cannot assign his/her life on a hobby or a pet. But you know it is just different. Your football boots won't come and pat you on the back when you are dripping tears.

Then I realized it is difficult to have your life assigned to someone when that person is not really physically around. Time difference, distance between spaces just create distance between minds. It happens. And I don't assign my life to just some random 'friend' I talk to at the dinner table. I guess at the moment no one is on my list. I refuse assigning my life to my parents too. I just have been bothering them too long in a sense. I can see them as good friends, no problem, but there are good friends whom you don't assign your life to. It's a whole separate topic to talk about. And no matter how good one is at keeping in contact, when your dearest friends are not literally around, the 'assignment' automatically disappears, not mentioning I haven't assigned my life to too many people.

It is an art to control or decide how much you assign your life to the others and how much you keep for yourself. Assigning too much or too little can be as fatal. When you assign your life to a person, that person inevitably would have to assign his/her life back. I think being assigned by someone to his/her life could be wonderful. It just feels wonderful to know someone is completely safe with you and is willing to invite you into his/her life. That also leads to you assigning your life back to that person. The magnitude might not be as much/little, but it has to be there. Keeping too much for yourself, clearly just would not get you anything, and it's unlikely that you will get anyone's life assigned to you. Assigning too much, sometimes could be unintentional, which is even more venomous than doing it intentionally. Draining another person with your life is not anything nice. The original intention of assigning is to make both parties feel better, not to drain one another, especially when a physical distance is forced to be built.

Okay I don't feel like typing or using my brain anymore. Another swig of Stoli and I shall be in bed.

Shine on and those who have a valentine/close-to valentine, enjoy while it lasts. I guess I'll spend the day with my temporary valentine- classes (and hopefully some more swigs of Stoli afterwards).

Chewing water

Suffering from a slight insomnia makes me do things. First I watched Pink Floyd the Wall, and then I went on watching a Japanese cartoon movie called 'Grave of the Fireflies'. Check the Japanese one out. It isn't bad at all, very sad though. It's about how a pair of siblings tried to survive during the late WWII period. Nothing much about the war and it was just mainly concentrating on how ugly people could be. 'Tis a good movie though, just that in some cases I sense they are just trying to milk the audience. Ah well, it's made like, what, at least 10 years ago I guess...

Well, watching the Wall actually did not make me think too much. I somehow just don't like it that much. It's a good movie and all, but I think it's overrated. Anyways, Pink Floyd's still legendary. Alright. What's with the title then? Chewing water. I actually tried that just now. It's funny. Try to have a mouthful of water and chew it as if it's some big lump of jelly or beef, or whatever you may wish to chew on- I don't wanna know. Noticed how easily it's chewed into two or more pieces? Noticed how damn weak the water is? Wait a second. Also noticed how fast it pulls itself together back in one big piece again? I find it funny for some reasons. No big thoughts. Just something dumb I've done.

I have also been staring at the moon a lot while I'm puffing away at night. You know, we don't get a lot of clear skies over here on the coast (damn west coasts- Flekke, Vancouver, all the same). I have always been wondering how people in the old days think there's a rabbit on the moon and stuff. I tried and tried and tried to stare at the moon until my necks go so sore (or until long ashes build up on my cig), but still I can't see it. I sometimes envy the people in the old days so much- look at all those myths and gods and whatnot they created. Just look at all that. I wish there was still something left for us to create or explore. Well to create maybe. But it's just a different kind of creation we make these days, don't you think so? Then again, there's always something to explore- it's interesting enough to explore yourself, your own mind. There's just ALWAYS something there to discover, within yourself. But I'm talking about, you know, new continents, new scientific rules and all those things. Even a new type of theatre. Just tell me WHAT hasn't been done before. Well, then again I think soon enough (before I die of lung, heart and liver failure) I will be able to tell you what hasn't been done before- and has just been done/ figured out by me. Anyway, let's go on with staring at the moon.

I also tried to look for the flag of the USA which is supposed to be up there. Of course I cannot find it- even before I started to look for it I knew I would not be able to find it anyway. So I started to wonder what's on the dark side of the moon. Yes, I know there are 9 tracks on the album. I know it syncs with the Wizard of Oz. But I'm talking about the one up there. Same, round and mysterious, yet attractive.

So what would be up there?

Or would it just be like... you know, I'm Truman and they're just watching me? Or maybe some kind of alien plantation or population have been our next-door neighbours for 1000s of years? Or maybe it's a damn lie by the scientists that we can only see 1 side of the moon- you know, we just assume what they say is correct. Maybe they just think it would be damn funny to fool us for our whole lives? Let's just assume they are not lying then, what the hell's on the other side? Syd Barret? Nah he's still living somewhere in Cambridge I believe- Would it be like a theatre with no lights working back there? Like, you know, one day a few thousand years ago some little green, purple, red, pink aliens built this new theatre on the other side, and they were all sitting and watching an adaptation of, say, Hamlet. In the play Hamlet has a few heads and hearts so when he said the 'to be, or not to be' line everyone just giggles, or maybe Ophelia is an alien from a planet full of water so when Gertrude says Ophelia drowned, the audience will give each other a weird look. Or blue Laertes has 8 arms so he just can't lose the fencing match, you get what kind of a play I'm trying to imagine. Where was I? Oh yeah, so these little and big aliens were watching Hamlet a couple of thousands of years ago (assuming there is an equivalent of William back then, on some other planets) in this big fancy cool new gorgeous theatre on the other side, and just suddenly... you know, accidents happen and all the lights went out. Followspots, ERS, fresnels, even the houselights. Everything went out. So it was just black out all over that side (you know, lights go in straight lines... that's why Cleopatra & co. usually don't see that the other side has been lit all along)... Argh. I'm a bad story teller. You get what I mean: alien theatre, light problem, space is a vacuum so we cannot hear the audience whispering and waiting for 1000+ years, it stays dark like that... until the head electrician wakes up from his nap- you know, Hamlet can be a bit too long and dull at some point.

Well, that could really be what is actually going on on the dark side of the moon. Who would believe those crap by NASA saying it's only a dark cold lifeless place? I mean, if some random bacteria could live on sulphur in volcanoes and oxygen is toxic to them, why won't some aliens be able to live on nothing, or just soil and mud or something? And of course, they just have to love theatre- I mean, I wouldn't mind thinking aliens love theatre too.

I'm really losing track of what I wanted to say. Hope you guys find the 'Darkside Theatre incident/urban(universal) myth' sensible enough to read.

Fuck. Insomnia also makes my eyes hurt and my stomach growl. And of course there's no food around. Time to overindulge on nicotine to make that fake hungry feeling go away I guess.

Shine on, mother moon.
Shine on, all you crazy diamonds.

Random fact

I found out Pink Floyd played live in Hong Kong in 1971...

Living in the present

My acting prof/teacher said something really cool about remembering things and ppl saying things about they have bad memory. He said (I'm paraphrasing him) people don't remember things because they weren't living at the present, they were living in the past or the future, that's why they don't remember the things.

So reading T.'s quote post, and thinking of Mr. Springate's words, I remember more bathroom quotes of IH203.

Kaboom: You know what? There were 250,000 people in the Iron Maiden concert!
+popellini+: You know how many people the Pope moved?
Kaboom: How many?
+popellini+: 1.3 *Million.
(+popellini+ himself corrected it back to million from billion.)

Let's not forget the infamous Maryland cookies we ate in Norway. It must be the distance which make them so expensive.

Kaboom: Marilyn would be a good name for a character in a sad story...
+popellini+: It sounds like cookies.
Vittu: +popellini+, you have been eating too many Marylands lately.

Oh, and how could I forget something related to our beloved Biology class? (Pavlov, ring any bells Kaboom?) It's not about Pavlov though. Remember the bean lab? Kaboom, Icelandic, Spanish person- you all should remember...

d.: I guess I'll just masturbate in front of the beans daily and see if they get traumatized...

And... although he brought us some troubles, he also brought us quite some joy and memories. I kinda miss him actually.

+popellini+: lololoooooo!!!

+popellini+: Come on girls don't be shy... show me your feedbacks about my new pyjamas... (thanks T. for reminding me)

So... let me explore the plays Blasted by S. Kane, Shopping & Fucking by M. Ravenhill & Die Hamletmaschine (well I'm reading it in English) be H. Müller... for my acting class. With Stolichnaya.

Sorry Spanish person... now I have decided... I just y'know, go all the way back like in the old days.

Swig o'Stoli.

I love stress

Booking tickets to vittu's is a bit complicated. I don't know when I should book a return flight to Vancouver as I don't know where I will be staying in September. I have two huge stage management homework to do. I should go to get a ticket for a show tomorrow after school but I really have to do the first stage management homework which I probably am going to screw up. I have to read for my acting class. I was lost in today's acting class. Just like the others, I think more and more about Flekke and things. I thought I got over it already, but it's just suddenly coming back. I don't know. I have to find a monologue for my audition to major in theatre. I have to find a place to stay after Summer. I have to find a place to store my shit over summer. I have a mythology mid-term which I have shit loads to read in what, two weeks. I have to prepare for a stupid Greek tragedy scene for my mythology lecture as I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Why does life seem to be so relaxed just two days ago and suddenly so much shit comes up? I have planned nicely and stuff for this week so that I won't get too stressed, but as it always happens, things just come out of nowhere and of course, the original plan will not work.

And I should not forget about my laundry as I have no pairs of clean socks left.

I also should not forget that I have a bottle of chilled vodka in my fridge.

I also should not forget that I said I will stay away from it for a month or two.

I also should not forget that I should talk to my acting prof about me starting to feel unsure.

I also should not forget that I should not snap and weaken and being eaten by the machine.

I also should not forget that I need a warm hug. From someone I know, from someone who knows me (at least more than only my name and where I am from).

I also should not forget that I really should do all the stuff I mentioned before.

I also should not forget that I feel like I am changing. I am scared. The uni student growing up not growing up taking up responsibility reality complications problem is creeping up again, so slowly that it is even worse than if it just comes up like, 'BANG!'.

Just one shot of vodka won't kill, I'm sure. Just one, or two, I promise.

I somehow made you guys...

... not able to leave me comments- sorry about that... T. reminded me that I should turn off the 'moderate comments' option. I might turn it back on for a short while to see if I can retrive the 'lost' comments...

Okay, now all the comments are back. Time for me to have a good read at those.

So I changed to the black template. It's actually just an idea to clean up the things I fucked up with the last template, but actually I did nothing with the template. Should I just keep it black for a while? Maybe. I am just too lazy to change it back to pink again. I had a good week but I had a good/bad weekend anyway. The pirate boat ride was not exactly the best. And somehow despite the fact that I have talked to quite a few people today I don't feel too good, still. Weird, eh? When I don't talk to people I am fine, and when I actually talk to people I feel bad. What the hell?

Maybe it's the music that I have been listening to. Try 'Mio Bello Bello Amore' from Cirque du Soleil's 'Zumanity' Soundtrack. It is another addictive song like Mad World. Yeah the song's a bit not my style, but well, it makes me feel so good that the voice sounds so sweet but it also makes me feel so bad that I know I wouldn't hear someone saying such things to me for a long time, probably nearly forever. Oh and also 'All Apologies' by Nirvana. Somehow I really like that song. Maybe the stress of planning everything kind of comes back after a whole day-and-a-half of black out. Don't know. What do you guys want me to be? What am I supposed to be? What do I want myself to be? Okay, enough with recurring themes. I am sounding like such a typical teenage boy now. Maybe I am still stuck at that stage (un)luckily.

Shine on and again sorry for kind of blocking the comments you guys left-

I should write something sensible

and now I am back to life as I wrote.
Got a random invitation to a movie tomorrow with a group of people.
Final Destination 3 I think it is. It's not like I know anything about the movie- just that I don't really have much to do... so yep, guys, I'm still alive.

There is something wrong with the blogger thing. Some outage thing. Hope this post finally goes through.

Oh... um.

Sobering up finally. It is weird when you are constantly drunk for more than 24 hours. It just feels a bit creepy as I am not too sure what I did or how I looked like.

But yes, I do remember talking to Vittu and N. and I called Fung and talked to Susanne on MSN. My brain is not working too well at the moment- anyways.

Ich will Flekke zurückgehen.

Stumbled into a picture of our grad. I want it.
Haven't talked to Tomas (both J. and K.) for ages. Haven't talked to Titti for ages (now when I am drunk Titti sounds like titty. Sorry) Haven't talked to EVERY ONE (thanks Stan from Léon) for so long. Where art thou my co-years? WHERE ART THOU (thanks William S.)?

Actually haven't talked to the people whom I went to Serbia with.
Actually I haven't talked to the wind, to the crow, to the clouds, for a while.
Actually I haven't talked to my extra roomates or even roomates as in Manu and David the Viking for a while.
Actually I... yeah. Whatever. More rum.

The Russian pirate.

So this weekend I feel like being a Russian pirate. Went to the liquor store, Vodka is always compulsory when I go there, so it is a question of either Gin or Rum to buy with the Vodka. Somehow I went for Rum. Don't know why. But I have been trying out the Jamaican Rum since 1600 and for some reasons being drunk from 4pm till 1am and writing a blog at 1 does not feel too appropriate to me. Anyhow I managed to phone Fung and also get dinner. Somehow. Don't ask.

Yeah. So it's 3am now and I have been awake since what, 1am I said, right?

It feels funny. Waking up drunk and then try to remember what you did or ate. I know I got some chicken and potatoes from the dining hall. Hope I paid, or at least I hope I acted normal. Then I was somehow in the common room watching TV as I said. That I don't care much. Anyways I don't look too much like an alcoholic to the people who saw me there I guess. Don't know. Don't ask. Now I am here. Hungry again. I know, eating when you're drunk is fucking annoying. You know you ate, you know you're supposed to feel full, but you just aren't. I. Want. Food. And it's 3am, hence no food anywhere, unless I call some sketchy cheap pizza place which... doesn't really exist at 3am. Guess I'll just either have to shove the rest of my rum down and pass out again or just wait for 7 hours until the dining hall opens again.

Don't you think it's pathetic? People drink to have fun, to attend sex-fests which are disgusied as 'parties' as the university students say. Or maybe not sex-fests. Just randomly waving your arms and talk trash with people who are as sober as you are. Or, don't you think it's pathetic? Getting a litre of rum and vodka on a Friday afternoon, start drinking right away once you reach home and somehow do something and pass out. Then wake up at 1am and stay up till 3 and write a blog. Which one sounds worse? Don't know. Don't ask. I really want food. But yes. I don't do alcohol at weekdays. Or... I should re-phrase it. When I have to limit my funds, I don't do alcohol at weekdays. Yes and sorry, I do my boozing either when I'm alone or only with a small 'crowd'.

And I don't booze like a college student, sorry.

No, I don't have sex with people I don't know.

No, I don't shout or scream when I'm drunk. I phone people, listen to music, watch movies, write plays or simply pass out.

So, sorry, I do my boozing at home.

Alone. Or only with a small 'crowd'.

And yes, I. Am. Pathetic.

And I don't care.

I am a guy who made a skirt for himself and I am not gay but I only will preferrably get together with left handers from now on but you never know what happens by that I mean if someone who is right handed who makes me feel secure and safe enough to love and be loved of course I will dive straight into that person like I did but do you think it is possible I don't think so and I still made a skirt for myself and I wore it today when I went to the liqour store or something and once I got back to my room I opened my rum and started pouring it into my stomach like a farmer pouring pesticide onto his plants or something but I really like my skirt and it could be a finished product now or I could also destroy my tee shirt with the purple clown face and transfer it onto the skrit I made I really don't know and I should not forget that I need to find a monologue for my theatre audition because if I fuck it up I will have no life and yes even less life than what I am having now although some people and my acting teacher said something I did was good acting and excellent work BLAHBLAHBLAH (danke Heiner Müller für die BLAHBLAHBLA) but yes what if I fuck the audition up then I might go back to Hong Kong or I might try to stay in Canada doing nothing but nothing or I might just kill myself no killing myself is not the aim yet and why the fuck am I sitting naked in my own room alone am I not cold am I not drunk am I not hungry fuck hungry why did I remind myself of that and i am thinking that it is fun typing out my thoughts non stop when I am drunk without punctuations and I don't even have to look at the keyboard to type because my mom who was the head secretary of some trading company once taught me how to type 'properly' I think it is cool but as I am looking at my bottle(s) I don't know how many bottles I have been touching drinking licking shoving (sp) down my stomach and I see my own mother coming on MSN as I am writing about her it is kind of creepy but it is good that she i snot talking to me but then talk about talking I am still thinking about how I ordered my 'dinner' which I know I am supposed to remember but I don't as in the chicken I talked about was I speaking with blurryspeech or was I coherent enough to get the chicken I had to be coherent enough or else I wouldn't be able to eat the chicken finally yeah you guys get what I mean and I find it really really really fun just typing on and on and on and on without thinking what I should type like when I am sober when inspirations are dry and stuff but I know it is nothing interesting to read I guess it is just some kind of disection (sp) of my own brain or it is some kinda of drunk soliloquy (sp) of my own little distorded (sp) brain it is fun when one is single when you are drunk you don't think of having sex with someone maybe it is only me since all the college guys think of sex when they are drunk I guess no matter with males or females and talk kabout being homosexual I think of the girl I saw in the common (TV) room when I was piss drunk a little bit earlier remember the Sex Pistold Documentary I talked about yes it was then and I wonder what I said I remember I offer her my rum and she said she doesn't do rum or something when I am pissed I always offer alcohol to people and something I tried to ask if she was doing art and stuff but apparently she was just drawing for fun oh my I don't know somehow I feel liek having a cigarette with uh myself and I uh burp and but yes for whatever's sake I am somehow sitting naked alone in my room no I was not having sex no I was not masturbating maybe when I am drunk I like to sleep naked but I know I am supposed to feel cold in my room right not naked but it just is weird because I can sense that it should be cold but I don't actually feel cold whatever this is getting too long I should either get some sleep or just go for a fucking cigarette no I know it is too cold outside and I will not enjoy it so why don't I just fucking save the cigarette and maybe just go and get a chocolate bar or something yes some of you might remember I hate chocolate but maybe the scientists are right endorphin the feeling of being loved is what chocolate gives and as I am typing this I am feeling cold so the pirate water is going away time for a break from typing continously for quite some time but yes I type fast so it could be only 10 minutes or something and as I was typing this I hear the wind howling (sp) outside my window for some reasons and it is Febuary (sp) I never know how to spell Jan and Feb yes I know I am an idior aber ja the wind is fucking blowing outside and I feel strange and a little bit cold probably and yes I am looking forward for tomorrow so that I can have something warm to eat for g*d's love fuck I hate sobering up because then I cannot type as much as I would like to and damn it I have the feeling when your eyes are damn dry but you know you want more alcohol to make them even drier and it is funny that I can type better and without or with less typos when I am on the Russian pirate drink meaning vodka and rum but I don't know somehow I want to get Gin also but yeah it is a matter of choice but it is really funny to type out what my brain is thinking about because it is not really what I am thinking about it is just what MY BRAIN is thinking about but yes I know you guys will not read till here and I also know that it would be quite funny to read it the next morning so I am off to put on something at least and then might be I will have a cigarette in the howling (sp again for fuck's sake) wind and then maybe a chocolate bar to rot my teeth how lovely I am rotting my live stomach lungs and now teeth also because I fucking need endorphin (sp) but yes I am off to something other than typing out my thoughts and looking at my naked body through the mirror and realising how pretty or handsome or whatever I don't mean to sound homosexual it is not like I have something against homos but just to make sure I am not one yet yes realising how pretty or handsome or whatever I am yes I am weird I love to talk to my keyboard my blog mirrors my whatever but the ultimate thing is I am talking to myself and I don't think I am going for a cigarette now I am just going downstairs to get a chocolate bar or something for the immediate moment when I wake up and feel seasick oh I mean hangover from vodka and rum or whatever I feel maybe I feel seasick in the North Sea oh no or maybe the Kamchatka (a huge sp bait so sp?) but yes I am talking the peninsula which sticks out of east Russia or something if I am still getting NS and EW right but anyways I should really stop typing this as it is getting really nowhere ok STOP.

Rum on.
Vodka's still good though and the wind is still howling (sp).

STOP.

And Rum on.

(Congrats and hugs to those who made it to the end of this nonsense drunk rum vodka cold windy stupid pathetic intoxicated blasted post)

Talking about Blasted. Read Sarah Kane.
I am looking for her collected works (as she didnt live long, her works are published in one books only- but she is just great and her plays are BEAUTIFUL and LOVELY. I don't care what you say. Kane is good.).

Rum on.
(I hear police siren. Poor alcohol poisoned college kids. Sigh. I need intellectual/drunk wannabe intellectual talk.)

How can I type w/o typos when I am fairly drunk (that I am sitting naked in my own room alone and don't know why)?

Whatever, the keyboard is ADDICTIVE!

Rum on.

Fucking pirates.

Go the Russian pirate way and you will understand me.