So I am sober...

and I am supposed to get some work done. The online homework thing for my German class has been weird. I either could not log in, or when I successfully login, I found out someone has been doing my homework. Or maybe I did it when I was drunk. I don't recall doing any German homework in the fast few days though. It is a little bit scary. Was that me or was that just some stupid dude in my class who's messing up?

Sometimes it is scary that such little mysteries come up. So last night I did not manage to have dinner after talking to Vittu. Apparently I woke up at 10 and spent at least 2 hours figuring out what date it was. It was Sunday night. Apparently I fell asleep a few hours earlier. Then I somehow managed to stay up until 5am this morning, had a little drink and try to sleep. AND I had a strange dream. Very strange. I dreamt of an alternate ending of the movie 'the Godfather'. I dreamt of my acting class in a sketchy old pub in the middle of nowhere drinking and doing nothing in the afternoon. I dreamt of dancing with a classmate.

It was like, she threw a glass of milk at someone who was being annoying, and it spilled on me a bit. Then I said to her, half annoyed and half kidding, 'oi watch it!' (I did say 'oi'). Hearing that, she just came up to me and wiped the milk off my face and dragged me to the empty dancing floor and started dancing. Soon everyone joined us. And then somehow we did something (which I don't remember what) and then we need to kill people and run away from someone/something. Yeah, I know, the running part is indispensible for some reasons. All my dreams. I don't really know what it means though as I am actually not close to that classmate in real life at all. But that dream, it was a completely story- just that I don't remember half of it right now. It was intense though. When I woke up at 10am today (alcohol sleeps never last long), I was like... 'uh... that didn't really happen, did it?'

So the official closure was yesterday. Now I'm completely over it, actually I should have classified it as one of those I-get-over-it-within-a-week incidents since the beginning. Well I kind of did actually, it's been kind of only a week only. But yep. Yesterday was official. I was quitting it before, now I have quitted. You guys should congratulate me or something. At least buy me a drink. Oh, quitted smoking I mean. It's good for my heart. The little red organ got pretty fucked up after all these things. I want a healthy heart to give when I hopefully finally feel like to, some day in the future. Or at least when someone dares to come to dig it out, they will have it alive and healthy instead of a clogged and black one, although I am sure it is pretty scarred already.

If you think I was also talking about something else, maybe I am. I was watching Sesame Street and some Bugs Bunny TV shows as I really didn't feel like working. It just feels weird to be normal. I was flipping through the TV channels for hours and hours like a white trash. I found out the only things that interested me were Discovery channel and the kids channel. They don't have Animal Planet here, what a shame. Through this I made sure I am still not that much contaminated by the reality. Don't fucking know who would even want to make the first step towards it. It's like certain suicide. Or it's like self-castration. But some people just do it, voluntarily or not. They just don't resist enough.

I suddenly figured out another reason that I like to write plays which has been hiding deep in my mind. I write the things that I want to happen to me but didn't. I guess everyone does that in a way or another. Some people, or most, tend to do that to their children instead of doing it to a laptop or pieces of papers. I write things that I want to experience, good or not, into plays. That's weird, eh? Almost feel like the puppeteer (?) in 'Being John Malkovich'. Sad, isn't it? I don't know why though. It just feels sad. Why can we never be happy with what we are at the present? The things that I want to experience aren't like, 'I want a girlfriend', or something like that- for those who know me a tiny little bit, you know what my plays are usually about. Strange. We try our whole life being something that we are not. Not everyone but most of us do. We just keep changing, consciously or not. For example I try to stay as a kid, some of us try to bring ourselves back to the days in Flekke. We talk about it, we dream about it, we wish about it. But it will never work. Yes, most of the 'back-trackers' genuinely want to be what they are trying to become again. But it rarely works- we aren't like that anymore, we just aren't. Sad but true.

There's also another way to 'be what you are not'. This is the type that I don't like to talk a lot about since it is cheap and silly. Instead of looking back in time at themselves, some people look at the others and try to be them- even if this is not what they really want. People do it for various reasons. Reality is a reason. Reality is THE reason actually. Money, social status, morals and all those crap. They try to put on face paint or masks and impersonate someone else, that someone else being either real or virtual. The scary thing is, in nearly all the cases the masks are posessed. At the beginning your acting sucks and is unconvincing even if you have the mask on, even if you are trying so hard to impersonate. But at the end of the day, when you are alone and have a clear mind, you take the mask off and weep at your cheap acts. Soon enough than you start to realize, the mask lets you take itself off less and less, and by continuous repetition, you are acting better and better, even if you really don't want to be the person you're acting. Then in the end your face just absorbs the mask- there are no masks anymore. You BECAME the person that you don't want to be, involuntarily. At this point the 'trying to be someone else' starts again, either back-tracking or impersonating.

It's the worst when you are trapped in BOTH back-tracking AND impersonating.

It is never good but I am not the one to say because I find myself an addict of both most of the time. I just have to learn how to live at the present moment.

Thanks for making it to the end of this long post and all of you, shine on.