I don't feel like sleeping...

First, K., I know the E in yours is supposed to be a person of course ;)

Right. It's a quarter past twelve and I don't feel like sleeping. In other weekdays I would probably be awake anyway. But usually not Monday nights. I have a full day of classes on Tuesdays as I always say. Anyway.

I don't know. So it is supposed to be Valentine's day now. I don't know what I'm supposed to think (noticed me using 3 'I don't know's so soon?). Am I supposed to think nothing about it because it is just another commercialized day by Hallmark? Or should I even feel sad for the flower farmeres who are ridiculously underpaid when the companies are celebrating their Valentine's day swimming in piles of dollar notes? What about feeling sad? I of course could have done that, or I could write a whole play about it even- trust me, I am capable of doing that if I want to overindulge myself again into sorrow. But I don't feel like feeling bad at the moment. Well that might trigger your thoughts a bit. In a sense of course I'm not over the whole thing yet, then again I don't think I have enough time to care about that as time goes by. She is still the person I care about the most, you may even say I'm still in love with Her, but I'm not obsessed anymore. I've explained it as many times as my sperm count would be so I'd better stop here. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that I'm over it. Anyway. Stop.

So sometimes people are like that. I'm not supposed to stay up because I K-N-O-W that tomorrow I will have a hard time waking up and spending half a day feeling tired and grumpy. I'm, of course, not supposed to be, uh, sipping alcohol at the moment. As a matter of fact not at any moments during the week I suppose. Why though? 'Supposed to'? Who decides that? And even if we let the s-word alone, why do we do things that we know we should not (so many 'we's)? Well, by 'things that should not be done', I don't mean go and rape 100 monkeys and then feed them with cocaine. I am just talking about those small little things- like staying up when I shouldn't. It doesn't even feel good, you know. In a sense I am pretty tired and want to sleep, but somehow there's 1:10 scale, red-skinned Madcap with little horns sitting on my left shoulder, telling me it might be fun not to. Weird, eh? I guess we all just are a little bit rebellous at times. Now back to the first 'question'. 'Supposed to'? I am pretty sick of the whole 'supposed to' thing. I'm 19 and I'm supposed to act like one. Behave a bit more grown-up, be more responsible... Sigh. I don't feel like talking this at the moment though.

So let's talk about something else. Something more 'intellegent' or 'deep', eh?

'I'm just a fucked up girl with a fucked up life. So don't assign me yours.'
It's a line by Clementine, 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' that I vaguely remember. It is in a sense good to see that the public actually think a movie of this genre is good too. Maybe they just think it's a good love story, maybe they are able to see beyond that- afterall a love story is an easier starting point than, say, writing a screenplay as in 'Adaptation.'. Well. Assigning lives to the others. Do we do that intentionally, or is it a by-product of love and affection, or even sometimes hate? It's interesting how we depend our lives, no matter to what degree, on someone else. It ALWAYS happens in all the stages of your life. Or maybe not ALWAYS... just, most of the time I guess. But I guess it feels nice to do so, that's why people keep doing it. At least evolution has not taken this ability away from us, yet. When you were a baby you depend on your parents. And then one grows up and 'friends' are added to the list of 'People whom I assign my life to:'. Later maybe Lovers and other people. Then when you're lucky, you add 'kids and grandkids' to your list. Of course it is a simplified version. But I'm merely talking about people here. I am not saying one cannot assign his/her life on a hobby or a pet. But you know it is just different. Your football boots won't come and pat you on the back when you are dripping tears.

Then I realized it is difficult to have your life assigned to someone when that person is not really physically around. Time difference, distance between spaces just create distance between minds. It happens. And I don't assign my life to just some random 'friend' I talk to at the dinner table. I guess at the moment no one is on my list. I refuse assigning my life to my parents too. I just have been bothering them too long in a sense. I can see them as good friends, no problem, but there are good friends whom you don't assign your life to. It's a whole separate topic to talk about. And no matter how good one is at keeping in contact, when your dearest friends are not literally around, the 'assignment' automatically disappears, not mentioning I haven't assigned my life to too many people.

It is an art to control or decide how much you assign your life to the others and how much you keep for yourself. Assigning too much or too little can be as fatal. When you assign your life to a person, that person inevitably would have to assign his/her life back. I think being assigned by someone to his/her life could be wonderful. It just feels wonderful to know someone is completely safe with you and is willing to invite you into his/her life. That also leads to you assigning your life back to that person. The magnitude might not be as much/little, but it has to be there. Keeping too much for yourself, clearly just would not get you anything, and it's unlikely that you will get anyone's life assigned to you. Assigning too much, sometimes could be unintentional, which is even more venomous than doing it intentionally. Draining another person with your life is not anything nice. The original intention of assigning is to make both parties feel better, not to drain one another, especially when a physical distance is forced to be built.

Okay I don't feel like typing or using my brain anymore. Another swig of Stoli and I shall be in bed.

Shine on and those who have a valentine/close-to valentine, enjoy while it lasts. I guess I'll spend the day with my temporary valentine- classes (and hopefully some more swigs of Stoli afterwards).