Choose life/hands in pockets

So there is a job opportunity over summer, if I get the job I will have around $10000 Canadian when the job finishes- that will cover a whole semester's cost. IF I get that job that is. It sounds quite irresistable. Working 10 km north of Vancouver as an actor/tourist guide daily in a goldrush town. I should apply for it anyway even though my classes start 1 week before the last date of job. At least that's what the woman from the theatre company says. Sounds like they are pretty desperate. But then I cannot go back to Hong Kong in summer. I won't be able to meet friends there, I won't be able to see my family and I won't be able to have food from 'home' again. Choices, choices. It's a good opportunity though. First paid job, well paid, and work as an actor. What more can I ask for? Guess I'll just see what happens.

I also made a choice- quit cancer sticking. Majorly it is becauase of money, then it is because of spontaneous impulses I guess. Health is not a big problem to me yet. We are all gonna die anyway, if I went on smoking and get terrible cancer, I might just ask to be put down. Maybe I just want a change, or just setting weird goals for myself to accomplish. It will happen this time.

So I am taking a break from intensely working on my Stage Management homework, let's talk about something.

Clear sky in the evening brings coldness up here on the SFU mountain. While I was walking to the dining hall for dinner, the wind was biting my hands. So both of them sneaked into the side pockets of my leather coat. Suddenly a strong head wind hits my face and body, so the hands instictively brought the two sides of the coat together, forming a leather shield against the wind. As I went on walking, I realized my hands want to join, but the inner lining of the coat became a barrier. It's a weird feeling. It's like, two people reaching for each other, they can feel each other, they can hear each other, they can smell each other, but a thin and strong membrane or wall makes the joining impossible. The feeling was so strong that
I almost felt like ripping the inner lining of my coat out so that my hands can join.

The hands were just right next to each other, not even a centimetre apart, but they just could not touch each other. They can even feel each other's heat and shape, but there's just no way to actually run their fingers on each other's skins. Like a captured animal, caressing the outer world with its eyes and the world caressing it with smell and memories. They want each other but it is impossible. If I pulled my hands out and let them join, they would have been bitten off by the wind. But I could not let that feeling grow in me, it was a heart-tearing feeling. Like watching Hamlet and Ophelia. They love each other. They are always next to each other, but all the external chaos take away their chance to unite. What kind of world is it? How could such kind of tragic moments happen? They are just hands for fuck's sake- let the poor things have what they want. I went on thinking and I realized it was just a matter of choice- come together, freeze and not feel anything or at least feeling each other minimally and stay warm. A little bit miserable, but better than not feeling anything at all.

Then somehow, the hands decided to give it a try. They both jumped out of the pockets before I could stop them. Like a miracle, it was not cold at all outside the pockets- I then found out I was in the dining hall already.

Ever had that feeling before?

Okay it was a bad attempt. I should organize my thoughts a bit more before actually putting pen to paper/fingers to keyboard.