someone from surrey (or anywhere nearby) found his/her own way here... who? my 4th year?

this morning i went to my faternal grandfather's and my maternal great grandmother's graves (they're just kinda 'graves'- i'll explain) because i havent been there from the year i left for norway on.

i call them 'graves' because i don't know better ways to call them in english. we chinese sometimes just cremate the dead due to different reasons- the deads' wills or financial reasons. in these two cases i would guess both, maybe even the latter is the major one. anyway. so we collect the ashes and put them in small urns, make a mini wooden or stone grave. it is a little bit strange that my grandpa's 'place' is somewhere in a enclosed area a bit high up above the floor. and no i can't reach it. nobody can. i don't know why. i never manage to remember where it is among thousands of other mini graves. nor do i actually remember his name. well, he died roughly 18 years ago. before i have any memory of anything. so i barely know him. and for my great grandma, i have had encounters with her, but only a few. she's luckier in this sense, cause she has a little stone grave, sharing with her husband, enclosing their own little shelf for the urns. every 1x1x1 foot shelf has its own number, by the way. i really should make a sketch of all these things. i bet you non asians will be interested.

of course, there are some people who are a bit wealthier, or they choose to be buried. the chinese way's pretty much the same, just that the graves will look a bit different, it reads similar stuff on them though, i think. never examined one.

i find it weird. it is ridiculous that you were materialized and represeted by either a little wooden plate with your name and a mugshot on it, or a 1x1x1 foot cabinet on the wall sealed by a marble version of the mini graves which has a 4 digit code. so you turn into a wooden plate or you turn into numbers and you 'eat' insence all day. i don't want to be like that when i'm dead. throw me in the wild and let me feed the hungry animals.

all these seem weird to me. of course i understand out of tradition and respect, i am obliged to do these things, especially when i haven't done that for 3 years. but i don't know those two relatives of mine, at all, i would say. of course even though my dad doesnt like his dad much, if he bothers to go and see his 'grave', it does mean something. and i suppose my mom liked her grandma a lot. before when i was younger i used to believe when i talk to my grandpa he will know, and i will eventually get to know him this way, and he will help me and such. never really worked out too well. probably it's in the genes of the men in the family on my dad's side. i don't know. i wish i could at least remember how my grandpa looked like.

geez i'm letting you guys know too much and that's not right.
ha.

know the frustration of failing to accurately release the compressed restlessness inside your cracked skull because such restlessness is not represetable and explainable to the others in a more explicit, tangible or common way, mainly because of your lacking of knowldege in the all the common languages you know? whether the languages be actually literal languages, body languages, visual representations, stories, plays, the hyperdense compressed restlessness can only be described close but not to the bull's eye, like having a killing itch but only able to scratch the pieces of skins around the spot.

the closest i can get to is that i feel like there is a fist size, spinning black mass of feelings, dark mass of melancholy and hysteria increasing in speed and weight but the size remains ever constant. it's like having that mass spinning in you so fast and the force is so strong that the world around is brought turning and twisting while standing still because the spot where i am is in the middle. if i make any rash moves i will be sucked inside to the black mass or blown outside and lose myself in the spinning world. it is impossible to distinguish and differentiate between similar images of the world which is spinning. it feels like standing in the middle of a storm. it feels like standing in the middle of a storm of my mind. it feel like standing in the middle of a storm of my mind while it is getting denser and denser. it feels like standing in the middle of a ferociously blazing storm of my mind while it is getting denser and denser.

it feels just like my idea of death. stuck in a state of eternal peace while trapped between two different shades of ever savage restless and stormy darkness which are located respectively right under and above your skin.

wow.

collected random writings. open to suggestions and/or con/destructive critisisms.

just that i might should post something or else you all will think i got a life and took off.

ignore most of the grammatical mistakes unless it makes the sentence mean something absolutely different.

[mister crosswordpuzzle]

he is a lonely man who always fills out crossword puzzles on trains
lots of unbelievable things happened when he was 5
he could recite the dictionary backwards
but his mommy let mother nature take care of the boy
just because he has 3 eyes and half a nose; only one lip and twelve toes
his skin is ever so dry and cracks open- infected wounds oozes out puss

red deers run away from him because he looks like a wild beast
jungle jaguars think he looks too disgusting to eat
explorers think they see the demon boy from hell
and even trees bend away from him because he smelled like death

they call him mister crosswordpuzzle
but he always leaves out some words delibrately
but he never actually asks for help
some people walk away
some look
but honestly don't know the answer
some look
and pretend not to understand
but
some stop and help

nobody knows the crosswordpuzzles are cursed
tailor made to capture, seize and collect
the element which the people fill in

if a schoolboy helps filling in 'finger'
he will never know how to use the fingers again
nor knowing what fingers mean
if a sailor helps filling in 'fish'
he will never notice the existance of fish
nor knowing what fishes mean

so mister crosswordpuzzle collects all these
in a little glass candy jar
the only present he has ever got from his mother as a parting gift
he picks up broken barbie dolls for limbs and dead babies for the skin
also collects loose hair; organs from butchers
pig lungs-cow stomachs-goose intestines

so he'll be able to make a friend for himself
his very own friend whom nobody will snatch it away from him
nor will he run away from him like everyone did
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[the eyeballman]

there was a short little man with light blue eyes
he likes to drink coffee without milk and sugar
in the hockey ring he's the goalkeeper
but he hates playing the guitar
and the most important of all to spy with his little left eye
all sorts of images absorbed into his eye
he saw terrible things
little boy gets hit by bus
little girl kills abusive father
babies flushed down toilets alive
drunk smoker burns down forest
buildings fall onto people
faces turn blue and purple
men and wives become cheating couples
his eye gets bigger and bigger
and the world becomes better and better
soon his head cannot take it anymore
his head bursted open
the brain ran away with the right one
and the one left was stuck there
like a golfball sitting quietly on the pin
waiting to be struck
one day he was walking down the street
a mad scientist saw him and wanted to get him
saying too big of an eye will sink the earth
but he know not of the secrets inside
the eyeballman ran and ran
shouting the forbidden words aloud
buses get hit by little boys
abusive fathers kill little girls
toilets spit out rotten babies
drunk smokers drowned by forest
people falling down onto buildings
faces turn blue and purple
men and wives become cheating couples
the eye gets bigger and bigger
and the world rotates slower and slower
soon the earth cannot take it anymore
the planet cracked open
the men ran away with their loved ones
and the eyeball is the new earth
soon volcanoes ejaculate mischief and
you all know the rest
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

congrats if you make it to the end.
i might actually make them into half decent poems, songs or plays in the future.

A mini version of a nightmare.
Less horrible visually maybe. Equally weird though.

I again saw my dream falling apart and slipping away just seconds before I woke up.
This time it was purely sex and violence.

Some sort of disaster that got me and a female stuck in a really small, low roofed room. Maybe poison fog, maybe acid rain, maybe snowstorm, maybe government troops, I forgot. Just that I'm sure we meant to run away and hide from a mass of huge life threat. The roof is so low that we have to sit or lie down and stay really cramped. So we were hiding and suddenly someone broke in and the person looked a bit younger than me. I had a really bad feeling of him staying but I wasn't the one making the decision. Soon I was sat on by the other two like a matress and the duet start to get it on. Hot sex and what not. I remember no details though. The whole sex act finished with maybe the male coming on the female's body or something. I got furious somehow so being the matress at the bottom, I conveniently ripped his genitals off. Ah, I'll leave the details out also.

Then that male figure turned from a young innocent looking person into a furry demon looking like person, with black fur and long claws, and somehow I was brought to a blank outer-space-like dimension and we started a fight. Imagine two hyena with rabies fighting each other for a dead gazelle after not eating for 3 weeks. Animal Planet and some imagination always help create such scenes. So I was able to control what I did during the whole dream. A lot of biting and pulling limbs off. I lost an arm or something I believe. So the demon thing vanished into smoke or ashes, then I was returned to that room which became a normal apartment already. The female figure was looking for a place to commit suicide. And the two sides of my brain started literally fighting because an orchestra was playing The Fifth outside the window, floating. The left side wants me to kill the group and the right side wants to listen. Not a pretty sight either. This time imagine two enormous sea slug fighting, speed it up a little bit though.

It hurts so much that I screamed, when the female figure jumped out of the window, and both parts of my brain was completely ruined.

Things ended there.
I think I forgot a lot of details, or maybe a lot of mental states that I was not able to describe.

dream.

I think I just had another nightmare last night.

it was mainly about playing 'paper scissors stone' with a mysterious figure, and drawing cards, ending up on a golf range where I got covered with ferocious leeches.
Then seeing a woman and a child on their way to the mysterious figure and I led them away, passing through the same golf range (it seems like crossing it is the only way in/out of 'it'), and covered with the leeches again. Then I end up going back to the mysterious figure instead of the woman+child, and I lose again and had to drink some weird glasses of potion spiked with strange powders and somehow a minion of the mr. mysterious was piercing my right index finger at the first join after the palm joint, first with a 1mm needle kinda drill bit but it broke and was stuck in there so the minion changed to a 1.2mm drill bit, it broke again and this time a 1.6mm bit and it worked finally and when i pulled hard my palm was still held tight by the clamp so, well, i of course lost the whole hand and was bleeding and it hurts even more of course, and someone pulled my hair and banged my head on the mysterious figure's table.

and i woke up.

p.s. the leeches and the drilling thing sound rather not too bad, but hey, the way my sight was panning and zooming to different views of my sufferings... it was just unberable.

p.p.s. and you don't want to know how the woman and the child looked like, you don't want to see them covered with leeches and sucked dry right in front of the supposedly exit either.

a piece of writing

here's a piece of writing I did a couple of months ago. Hope it displays in the right format or else it will be too messy to understand.

Well, apparently blogger doesn't like weirdly written stuff, I'll try to post it as a picture or something.

oh, here it comes- cliktxity click on it unless you have read it over my shoulder while I was editing it just now...

200th post.

Unluckily there isn't really anything happy to tell yet. And I found something interesting and strange.

At the back of my neck, on the left side right below my skull, like where the end of the curve of the back of my skull is, I found a little hard lump of thing under my skin.

The question is, has some aliens raped my neck during sleep or is it something else?

-----------------------------------------------------------------
After poking my nose around on the net, it's probably just a swollen lymph node, or well, it might be early lymphomas of course, but i don't think so. At least I don't really hope so. Hah.

...while I was waiting for the semi-final game of the world cup, I picked up American Beauty about one third from the beginning- it was on TV somehow. I never bothered to watch it to be honest, for a reason or another. I used to think it must be some kind of commercial hollywoodish stuff- and I think I am wrong.

Not the best thing I've ever seen but it is enough to put me into another state of mind instead of the 'boring summer' mode.

I don't even know what to say about the movie. I know it isn't even close to anything like Donnie Darko nor the Butterfly Effect, but somehow I get the same feeling afterwards- the feeling that you want to have a nice iced glass of something, take a sip, walking through the snow under crisp moonlight to the smokers corner, alone or with a person, puffing away, turning myself into the intoxicated spaced out chimney. Something that has not come across my life for quite a while. No, not even the 'a glass of something' part. My body does not really approve of that in a way- of course my eyes always do on the other hand. But it is always better to clip the budding alcoflower than trying to burn it down while's blooming in his prime. The latter's just too painful.

So what now? Is the boy standing in front of the gates of hell going to make his turn? But deep down in the kitten's mind, why would she want to munch on canned pet food of the reality after trying fresh fishes from the human world, their dreamyland?

Cats must think us humans are all cripples.

'What do you mean, they can't use their front legs to walk at all? And you must be kidding me, they can't clean their bottoms with their tongues? What a bunch of indecent, incapable freaks. And they are stupid enough to hunt those metal rats which skin they don't eat nor let us eat either. Look, mice are so much better! Geez. Just HOW do they manage to survive for that long?'

It must be fun to be anything but humans.

template?

niko noticed-
new template.

it's actually just because someone (both niko and a friend back home) pointed out that my blog became so full of characters (just like me, no?) suddenly, so i decided to pick a new template at random, hopefully the prob will be fixed.

and it was fixed.

and i didn't bother to copy & paste all the links- everyone else have them anyway, and i have (nearly) all the blogs bookmarked... i mean, for those who commented on my blog, and some that i came across randomly on other people's.

anyway tell me to bookmark yours if you think i havent.

nth much to say actually. same old, same old.