this morning i went to my faternal grandfather's and my maternal great grandmother's graves (they're just kinda 'graves'- i'll explain) because i havent been there from the year i left for norway on.

i call them 'graves' because i don't know better ways to call them in english. we chinese sometimes just cremate the dead due to different reasons- the deads' wills or financial reasons. in these two cases i would guess both, maybe even the latter is the major one. anyway. so we collect the ashes and put them in small urns, make a mini wooden or stone grave. it is a little bit strange that my grandpa's 'place' is somewhere in a enclosed area a bit high up above the floor. and no i can't reach it. nobody can. i don't know why. i never manage to remember where it is among thousands of other mini graves. nor do i actually remember his name. well, he died roughly 18 years ago. before i have any memory of anything. so i barely know him. and for my great grandma, i have had encounters with her, but only a few. she's luckier in this sense, cause she has a little stone grave, sharing with her husband, enclosing their own little shelf for the urns. every 1x1x1 foot shelf has its own number, by the way. i really should make a sketch of all these things. i bet you non asians will be interested.

of course, there are some people who are a bit wealthier, or they choose to be buried. the chinese way's pretty much the same, just that the graves will look a bit different, it reads similar stuff on them though, i think. never examined one.

i find it weird. it is ridiculous that you were materialized and represeted by either a little wooden plate with your name and a mugshot on it, or a 1x1x1 foot cabinet on the wall sealed by a marble version of the mini graves which has a 4 digit code. so you turn into a wooden plate or you turn into numbers and you 'eat' insence all day. i don't want to be like that when i'm dead. throw me in the wild and let me feed the hungry animals.

all these seem weird to me. of course i understand out of tradition and respect, i am obliged to do these things, especially when i haven't done that for 3 years. but i don't know those two relatives of mine, at all, i would say. of course even though my dad doesnt like his dad much, if he bothers to go and see his 'grave', it does mean something. and i suppose my mom liked her grandma a lot. before when i was younger i used to believe when i talk to my grandpa he will know, and i will eventually get to know him this way, and he will help me and such. never really worked out too well. probably it's in the genes of the men in the family on my dad's side. i don't know. i wish i could at least remember how my grandpa looked like.

geez i'm letting you guys know too much and that's not right.
ha.