If

Pink Floyd is just the perfect music for when the sun is asleep. Listening to Pink Floyd's Atom Heart Mother album and there's a song I love so much. If.

I woke up late today. Late as in half past twelve. Well what do you expect? I slept at 7am. Everything is satisfying after a night of extra productivity. Tomorrow I expect to finish my Stage Management final project during class time. It is going to be such a great relief once I'm done with that. Then I can concentrate on the 5 essays I have to write before April. Yes. Roughly 10 days left, I know.

A click of my lighter at 8:45 pm signified the end of my month-long smoke-free break. It also signified the beginning of a new phase in this semester: the milk-all-my-working-incentive-and-creativity-which-has-been-forgotten-in-the-past-two-months period. Yes, very honestly I was overwhelmed by a big change in my life in the past couple of months and I cannot say I have overcome it completely. But as things start to get better and as I have got more used to what actually is going on, I begin to pull myself together. One sad thing is within a month's time I will have to adapt to another phase: summer. That I guess will be very different from the last summer when I first started this blog. It would be interesting to look back at both summers the next time I come back to SFU, hopefully as a theatre major, and hopefully with a couple of people I really want to see living on the same campus.

If I was a clown, I will paint my nose red. But in fact my nose is as red as Rudolph's. So I painted it blue instead so that I can smell the sea. And if I had a pair of wings, I would never need to stand. But sadly I do not even own a pair of mechanical ones. I will use a rope instead so I never have to reach the ground. Please, please don't let me hit the ground. If I melted and mingled, I would suffocate and drown in the sea of reality. But luckily and proudly I did not, so happily in my blue cocoon I live and never will I even try to get out. If you want to pat the blue kitty, don't go to the patting zoo for there will be none. Hum my favourite tune at the gates, and it might show you its face. If I was a child I would play all day, silly games, aimlessly. But I am not one anymore no matter how I wish I was. I go away from school and learn to become one, so that the parents won't yell 'fuck off, pedophile!' If I was coulrophobic I would look into the mirror every morning, until one day I am not scared of myself anymore. If my eyes go blind, I will buy a camera and plug it into my brain. If empty bottles and cans are sad my desk is a tragedy. But if they have different personality and dreams, my room is a wonderland. If there is ever a day that the blue cocoon is open for public I'm insane. If my heart stops beating please leave it in peace. If I die with my eyes open please let them be. Living does not mean seeing, nor dying means not seeing anymore. If you ever bother to bid me farewell, pour on my prison with firewater. Light a match, burn down the prison and dance around it. If raindrops were pink and sticky, what would clouds be like? If I am crazy then who is not? If my head is stuck in a pot of amber-coloured glue, will I still be able to wear a hat? If pens have feelings, they will just be living in a dilemma all their lives. To mindlessly burn their lives away under the control of strange, sweaty claws or to stay alive and have no reason to live, that is the question. If mother earth was still alive, we would all be standing in a line, waiting to be spanked on our naughty bums. If monkey laughs the madcap laughs and the madcap walks the monkey steps, can anybody tell who is who anymore? If you think you are a residence of a blue cocoon you must be insanely silly, for even the silver armoured lord of magical elks could only turn the knob but still the door was stuck. If I could open the door I would let the lord in, but it is locked from the inside and I have lost the key, and my desperate cries have scared everyone away. If I was money I would have killed myself. If I was a rope I would never let go. If I was the clothes I would hide in humans. If no one grows up anymore, toys will never cry again. If one child dies whenever a person grows up, we really need to stop taking pills or using condoms. If I was time I would stop and watch the sun set. If I was a piece of potassium I would go play in the rain, for I would shine, and shine until I become one with what gives me joy. If I had my left hand on the right arm, would it still be my left hand or would it be my right? If I walk on my hands, are they still my hands or are they then my legs? If I was a washing machine, I could dance with so many clothes. If all days are equally jolly good days, it just essentially mean they are equally shitty bad days. If I was invisible, I would do something that nobody wants to know. If I was my dream I would never die. If I was a blacksmith I would be honest and forge black and call myself smith.

And if you thought I was crazy, I would laugh at you with craze.

In sweet and loving memory of the glorious days that will never come.