From the monkey to the madcap

As a person who claims to know d. pretty well, I have something to tell him but I want to do it in a way that he will be able to have a solid reference of what I want to say to him- that boy just has problems remembering long speeches of the others- he just either cannot concentrate and drifts off into his own world.

Now, d., imagine this is a little monologue that I am doing on stage- that might help you not to drift off.

I realized how different d. is these days. I think something along the lines of 'you should behave more like a 19 year old' is going to haunt him forever. I don't remember when exactly he has heard about it. He is not sure either. Maybe something else is still bugging him. That strange boy. I guess I know what he is thinking. Like, you know, sometimes you know it is never possible but you still secretly wish for that would happen, like the Phantom secretly wishes for Christine. And you all know what happens in the end. Hope he is not going to end up as bad as the Phantom.

I mean, d. is still spontaneous and moody sometimes, but something has changed slightly somehow. I cannot tell exactly what, but I just know he is fucking different. There is something creepy about that. You know, like when you have not seen a person for a couple of months, and when you see that person again, you can vaguely see the old features and characters remained but there is essentially some huge differences in the person which you just can't tell. d. is not exactly the Chinese monkey with long hair anymore- to me he's really more like the madcap Chinese with long hair, as he more often refer himself as, now. One might think they are alike- and yes, I am not denying they can be pretty much the same thing. But come on for the love of Aphrodite (sure she has a lot), trust me for once single time if you never did. This is one strange moment that I realize a tiny bit more about that boy. He still doesn't hang out in crowds, doesn't like city life, and enjoy being alone or only with a very small company among which he feels completely comfortable with.

Then what the fuck is different, you may ask. I have been thinking of a word or two, or even a sentence, if I could squeeze out any, to describe how he has changed. And suddenly a very scary sentence formed in my head. Guess which one it is. The one that he would never let me describe him with. Yes. 'He is growing up', although I am sure involuntarily. Somehow something fucked up and everything just seem different. Fine. Thinking of getting a rather well-paid job in Canada during summer instead of going 'home' to meet people and maybe get a alright-paid job. Thinking of selling his synth to have some spare money. Stopping smoking because he says he is using too much money on it (and also just quitting for the fun of it...). Trying not to drink because vodka is expensive in Canada. He even actually tries to study a bit harder, at least for the subjects he does care about, in order to increase his chance to get a scholarship or bursary when he is back next September. Only shop for neccessary items (it's not like he likes shopping anyway). I bet he would say something like, 'See the common theme in all these shit? CAN YOU SEE IT? It's the track right in the middle of the dark side.'

Por boy.

From the monkey to the madcap. It is like evolving and deteriorating at the same time. A new born monkey is curious and joyful, hopping, jumping and swinging around. It just thinks of playing and extracting the greatest fun from its life. As time goes by, challenges from older monkeys, unfortunate incidences, et cetera slowly affects the stubborn monkey boy. It kind of starts to try to cope with the reality, but on the other hand it is super-ultra-overwhelmed that, the reality is the monkey itself has not been living in the reality since the first day of its life. Maybe there are occasions that it accidentally puts half a tail in it, but never knowingly doing so. And the overflow of pressure and information and confusion squeezes the already small monkey brain even smaller. Soon the monkey got so crazy that it bites off its tail and becomes a madcap who retains certain characters of the poor monkey boy. Even more mad than the monkey will the madcap be at occasions 'cause it kind of learnt how to cope with, fight with and trick the reality, but also ridiculously tamed when compared to the little monkey he once was. I bet the madcap is looking for a pump to inflate his brain again so he can at least be a monkey for four days before the ballonbrain leaks and becomes small like his again. You know how much it hurts the madcap's eyes when he sees other monkeys and knowing that they will probably go through the same phase as he is now, being half monkey and half nothing? You know how much the madcap wants to knock his teeth off whenever something reminds him that he bit his own tail off? DO YOU? d. I do how bad it feels, I really know how bad it feels. I have been there and I have done the same thing. d., I suppose we just have to fight harder and harder as we get older and older. The tail is going to grow back. It is going to.

'How is it going to grow back then?' d., you will ask me that immediately if we are sitting face to face, right? I would say, d., the way not to be eaten by the machine is not to run away from it. Instead we should destroy it, don't you think so? But think. Destroying the machine takes skill too. If a police goes to some kind of the headquarter of a mafia and says he wants to arrest the leader, will he be able to get out alive? Of course not, my dear. Everyone knows he is a police. How about being an undercover and when everyone thinks you are one of them, you tear your mask off and call for back up and arrest the whole mafia? Same thing, boy. There might still be intact parts inside if you hit the machine with a club on the outside. But if you pretend to be a part of it, and after a while start messing up the inside- it deals a lot more damage. Or it is like, a 3mm cut on your skin is usually not fatal. But an equally deep cut on your heart might mess up your heart a little bit and that is deadly enough. I know you always prefer using more tangible examples to have things explained- hope you know what I mean. Bear with it for a while and try not to lose yourself. Don't surrender to the pain, keep the would of your cut-tail open and your time will come and the tail will grow back. It will. Look at me.

Remember when you were young, you were the one who kept me hanging on during bad times and you rarely needed my help -maybe now it's time for us to change our positions for once.

Hang on and shine on, d..

You know who I am.