So I have nowhere to go.

So everyone found something they think is interesting to do but me. I don't understand why- maybe they have people to hang out with, maybe they find walking pointlessly under the summer sun fun. I wouldn't know. If I would be living alone I would for sure have a lot of things to do- I can drink in my own apartment, smoke whenever I want. And one more thing- I don't have to worry coming home late, and thereby I can go out to pubs and walk around late at night alone. I like walking around myself, but just not under the summer sun.

Honestly I don't really feel I am that close to the people in Hong Kong anymore, if I ever had been. Maybe it's just the difference between our mentalities, or maybe I have become am outsider within two years' time- which is very possible when I don't even bother that much trying to catch up with everyone's lives even a little bit. After all they haven't tried to do that with me. So why the hell should I care. I wouldn't mind going out with them from time to time, though, but then again it just feels weird. I just can sense that I don't belong to this place, that I will never have anything interesting to do here, that I can never have fun here.

I really should have got a job. One of the reasons why I don't want to go out and do something, for example get a job is that if I am out in the afternoon or at night I will miss the chance to talk with some of the people who are far, far away from me. Well you might say I can stay up late and chat with them- then I cannot get a job. Getting a job means getting up early and go to work. Not good. There will be no fucking way for me to stay up late if I had to work. And duh, the same applies to going out in the morning honestly, I can hardly wake up before 12, unless... someone calls me for a football match or something like that. But then again I feel a little big stupid waiting volunterily in front of the computer. Yes I do want to talk to some people a lot, but it might not be the case on the other side. People go out with their friends and families at home and enjoy the warm, mild summer sun there. I used to refuse to accept the fact that actually the others have something to do (unlike me) and I am not that interesting to talk to. But after all these days I think I'll have to admit that going out with people is a bit more intersting than chatting with me. Even I am more interesting, no one can stand chatting me for the whole day anyway- breaks are needed anyhow or else I will appear to be even more boring than I already am.

Anyway. I can only blame myself for creating such boredom I guess. But really. What's so much fun in the city? Why do people fancy going to the city, even for doing nothing, just walking around? I have been to most of the shopping places, I don't like to swim, I don't like to walk around on crowded streets looking for nothing but nothing and feeling even more bored than staying alone in the room but still insist to walk around even more. My biggest entertainment when the few ones who actually chats with me are not online these days are music, writing blogs and scripts. Sounds fun.

I think I am just bored and jealous of people who don't have to suffer in (sub-)tropical climate.

Why can't I be born in Europe? Then I can go out in the city like everyone else in summer without getting soaking wet in my own sweat, I can go to music festivals, I can go to theatre festivals, I can visit the people I like... Even the idea of just walking around in a bit of nature somewhere around my house (not a god damn apartment) is a devilish luxurious idea in such a bloody city. I hate cities.

Then again I am just stupid. Shouldn't bother people who actually have a life and do go out instead of chatting with me and show them grumpy faces with waves and waves of grief and jealousy.

I apologize. I will go back to my little hive and try to figure something out in my own head.

'The city goes to bed, and now I can live inside my head. On my own...' - Les Misérables

By the way there will be a Cantonese version of Les Misérables done by a comparatively big theatre group in Hong Kong. Doubt if it would be good though. Well I guess there is no use in thinking about that anyway. Shouldn't waste money on these though I do love theatre. It's not like my family is rich.

'I just don't know what to do with myself...' - the White Stripes

Guess I should give in the idea of buying a keyboard also. It just is stupid to spend 400€ on a piece of toy and I don't know if I will keep playing it anyway.

Screw it. I am such a boring loser. I really tried to do something this summer, though not too many, but it seems like I suck. Can't even find a pair of decent boots and pants. C'mon boy, you are in one of the biggest city on Earth and you say you couldn't find any? Bloody useless twat. I also planned to buy a synth or a keyboard and try to master it within the 3 months of summer holiday I have. And? Surprise, surprise. I still don't have a keyboard with me- I am just unsure of myself. Okay, then just go out a bit more like the others? I think no one wants to chat with you 24/7 even if s/he misses you like I miss Artaud. Remember I am not an interesting figure in the first place. I have also said I have to finish up at least one theatre play since I have too many undone ones in hand. Bingo! I haven't even finished one.

Yeah, blame the heat. It takes away all your inspiration, right?

I guess I just need alcohol. I really think I need a few good bloody shots.

Shit.