I love rainy days.

As I have always insisted in Flekke, sunny days just give me the energy to freak out. There is a word devoted to sunny skies in my chinese name already. I don't need more energy, violence and arrogance. It's rainy today. At least it has been cloudy all day- the kind of cloudy days Flekke used to have. Full of clouds all day, and everyone is waiting for the first raindrop to fall. Rainy days. I remember I played once or twice outside with my father outside in heavy rain. Or maybe it is my pure imagination. Honestly I don't remember most of my childhood. I do mean it. Not to be attention seeking or something, I don't remember most of my life before I was 13 years old probably. There are really deep things that were kind of imprinted in me though. I do clearly remember I argued with my uncle (dad's older brother) that my shoes looked better than his, and got slapped by him because he (well...) lost the argument (very uglily)- and it happened when I was around 4 or 5. And since then I have never ever seen him nor his wife nor his kids again. And as far as I know my dad has never talked to him since then. Of course later I have learnt that it is also because of my uncle slapped my grandma (dad's mom) over some stupid argument- Actually I don't know much about my dad's family because my dad has disconnected himself from it mostly. Then the next thing I remember is a toy which can transform itself from a rock to a dragon which my grandma (dad's mom) gave me, and my grandma's food. I also remember watching my grandma occasionally having snakes' gall bladder with a shot of chinese alcohol. That's basically it for my childhood. I don't know what I'm trying to say. Guess having a couple of shots of vodka at 5pm on a depressing day is not too appropriate... scheiße.

Anyway alcohol does take away one's bad mood and troubles though.

Especially when you thought everything is under control and suddenly everything has disappeared and you don't know what you are doing- I feel like I'm just hanging on for the sake of hanging on, without a reason, without knowing what I am actually doing at the moment.

Guess hiding in my head helps. At least it should help me sort out what or who the fuck I am.