Random thoughts at 4am

Whenener I poke my head out of the window at late night, smoking cigarettes, I like to look around- in the sky, on the seldom quiet road, around into the buildings nearby. Sometimes planes pass by. I sometimes wonder where the planes are going and why are they flying at such a weird time. Are they going to heven? Are they going to hell? 'So, so you think you could tell, heaven from hell...' Whenever I think about that, Pink Floyd's 'Wish you were here' pops up in my mind. 'How I wish, how I wish you were here...' There must be people waiting in the destination airport some hours later, hoping the passengers land safely. Then the people who are waiting can see their beloved ones again, safe and happy. But what if the plane crashes? Where will the passengers go? Do they join the other crashed planes in the sky, flying towards nowhere, forever and ever? Or do they just fall and their bodies crash against the mountains, the ocean and the buildings, or maybe some land on the roads. What if the plane crashes right into my window? Will the building collapse? Can I escape from that? And why do they need those annoying blinking lights on the planes while they are flying alone in the sky anyway? Sometimes I really want to scream at the planes, 'don't you know that reminds me of stars? Don't you know I miss mother moon's cradle? Don't you know I miss my friends in the sky? Do you actually hear me?' Do they care? Anyway it's none of their business I guess.

People wait for planes to land, so they will see their beloved ones again. I have said that I have no good feelings about waiting for people. But when I think of it, I might just be addicted to waiting. The feeling of expecting someone to come is just undescribeable. The exictment, the feeling of longing for someone to appear in your sight- even though sometimes you never know when that person is coming- if that person is coming at all during the time you are waiting. And the feeling of 'finally you are here' is just irresistable. It's like, sex or alcohol. Once you tried and know how good it feels, you can never get rid of it. It is addictive. Maybe that's why even though I know people might not come online whenever I feel like talking to them, I still prefer staying in my 2.5m×3m bedroom, sitting in front of the computer and wait. Then again the frustration, the disappointment of the thing which I am waiting for never comes sometimes takes over me. Also the thing or person I have been waiting for from sunrise to sunset appears for only a short time and suddenly has to disappear from my sight again. That is simply intolerable for me. It's like when I was young, trying to catch fireflies because they are so attractive and beautiful. Sometimes I could never see one in the whole damn night. Sometimes I got one luckily, then I carefully open my palms to have a good look at it. Then in that flash of light it flew away. Or even worse, I killed it with my own palms because I was too exicted and nervous. It is merely my own fault- no bloody one promised me to appear when I am waiting and even if that persons appears, no one promised me to stay as long as I wish, so why should I whine or feel sad? I don't know. Maybe because I am a virgo.

I have always been saying I have such a non-virgo personality. Just now when I was thinking about the planes, I also realized maybe I am such a typical virgo, such a perfectionist, such a demanding person, but just on the things I care. Every single theatre piece I have done, I can find numerous flaws afterwards, no matter how good the outcome is. I also tend to be caught up in really tiny details in the plays I write- that's why my under-progress play 'ài' seems to be endlessly under progress. I am also demanding in terms of people. Once I care about a person, I tend to be curious about every single thing s/he did, has done, does, is doing and will do. When I have decided to care about a person, I really put effort in it. So I also realize it can get really tight and suffocating under my 'care'. When I want to talk to a person, I even would have the idea of talk to that person for the whole day non-stop. But then again I know how annoying it is when one has to report every single thing s/he does to another person or just talk to the same person for the whole day. I also know that basically one never has to reveal anything about him or her to another person under whatever circumstances in a sense. So little or big contradictions and dilemmas always appear in my little head- on one hand I would really like what I want to happen come true, but then I cannot take away the others' right to do whatever they want, for example going out (even just walking around), or talk to some else. This annoying bit of thoughts always lead to bad outcomes due to my emotional and explosive personality. Then again I don't know where I am getting to, because it sounds more and more like a confession in a little chamber to a father, or priest, or whatever- I know no details about religions. So once again I will just wind up my entry in a hurry without a proper ending.

Hope my strange and maybe a bit childish thoughts can be understood- I know it is difficult. But whoever bothers to try would be really, really appreciated and I know there is one person who is always trying her best to understand me and get closer to my mind. That is the most wonderful thing on Earth I must say. It is different from that kind of parental invasion into my mind. It is out of pure care and sweet, innocent curiousity. And somehow I think that person is even closer to my mind than I myself am. Merci Salome, merci. Dank für Ihren Liebe, dank für Ihre Obacht. (I know you have been reading my blogs but I don't know if the gammar is correct there. I merely got it from some translators and work the things out with my little knowledge in German.)