I am a vodka bottle...

...and the vodka is missing. It's pretty cloudy today. The sunlight is piercing through the layer of clouds and it appears to be extra bright since the clouds, as a filter made the light white, instead of yellowish. It is funny. Have you every tried to look into the sky when it's covered evenly with a thin layer of clouds, like how the sugar layer covers the chocolate core in m&m's? The light is rather irritating to look at actually and I always know it in a sense does hurt my eyes. Then again there's somehow a nice and caring feeling hidden behind all the acute feelings. I don't know. I am bullshitting again. I know, I know. I should just screw the computer and go out and do something, right? It's stupid to wait in front of the computer for the whole day, not really for anything- and I don't care.

I think I am going through some kind of weird mood recently. I feel like everything I have ever had is slipping away silently- inspiration, energy, those stuff, you know. Even my world starts to fade in my mind. Things which were once crystal clear in my mind have just become blurry and they start losing colors- I even really start to doubt if I would have a future doing theatre. I have seriously start to doubt my ability and talent also. It's just scary whenever I think of such things because I can be so convincing that I can make myself completely believe that I suck, not only about theatre. About other things as well. Yet I haven't been doing anything trying to fix this little disorder. I know it will get better- at least I hope so- but it will never cure. I have had such a feeling before but it has never been so strong that I actually start worrying. It's too intense this time. Soon I can't take this actually.

There were no one except me at home just now. I always longed for not being with my family. Now the time came, although it was just as quick as a flash of light. But then I had a weird feeling. I suddenly thought I am... I don't know. I know that there's something missing and I have never had that feeling before. At least not during last summer. I mean, it's not like I miss anyone in my family- I don't really care about them and they haven't for long anyway so why should I? That feeling is strange. Like the sun disappears, I mean, actually literally disappears, not just covered, during a total eclipse. Something important is missing I know. But I don't know what it is. In my eyes I'm merely a stranger so I wouldn't know. Some kind of monsters must have came during the night and bit a little piece of my heart off. Wait- I don't sleep at night anymore. So what is it? Did I go insane and cut bits and pieces off myself? I meant it when I said I'm merely a stranger to myself. I just don't understand. There's just nothing to be sad or depressed about and I bet I'm just creating everything myself. I don't know. Maybe I enjoy being sad.

I might actually do.

I remember last night when I was smoking a cigarette I had a little impluse to hop out of the window just to see how it is. I know I'll get killed if I do that. If I knew my parents won't make such a big fuss about these things I'd have tried it already. Also I of course have been wanting to slash my wrist and see how it feels to lose quite some blood. Well I mean, it's not like I cant stand the world or something. I just want to try for fun.

I don't know what I am talking about in my blog anymore. It's getting nonsense and boring- then I not a very interesting person so why should I care. Whatever. As I said, writing blogs are just like writing diaries- just a way to talk to myself (since I don't write diaries).

I feel like a vodka bottle on a Sunday morning. Get what I mean?