prepare to say. say. reflect.

and repeat. that's pretty much how to deliver each line, together with other things to consider. i am not anyone to go in depth about acting theories though.

reflect.

not only on line delivery, but also on myself. i have been doing a lot of reflecting today as a result of knowing that i will have a holiday on monday when everyone else goes home for turkey- yes, the canadian thanksgiving is earlier than the american one. so reflect: what did i just say? what did i just do? what have i become? what did that mean?

sometimes i wonder if i am ever going to blossom into a stunningly vicious yet attractive flower. maybe a black dahlia. maybe a black rose. i wonder if i am ever going to. teachers and classmates have said i am interesting and all that. am i just interesting or am i ever going to grow from the psychedelic black little grain of seed into something that i wish i could be? what if i just am interesting as a seed which looks like it has the potential to grow into a whole secret garden for dreams, but after years and years of watering and waiting the gardeners will see nothing but the same seed dying away in its own petty little dreams? it could be worse. maybe the seed is just nothing but a plain grain of rice and thought it is going to grow into a garden of black roses. there is a difference. between having potential but failing and not having potential and expectedly failing. maybe i am expecting too much from myself too quickly. or maybe the seed is going to grow into a plant that is so ugly and grotesque because no one has seen such a plant before. too many possibilities.

although i pretty much wish so, i am not saying i am going to grow into something totally unique. sure someone has become the future me before, may it be 10 years, a century or five before me. as a consolation i always tell myself it will all be different even though (i hate to say) me and those people will be the same. in relation to the society, to one's self, to everything else. just like gertrude stein's rose is a rose is a rose is a rose. but that is not my fear and i have no worries about that. back to the fear of blossoming.

it often strikes me that what i have taken so much risk for and put so much effort on doing might simply turn out to be an absolute failure. it is not like being a mediocre doctor or lawyer- one can still get by if one is one of those. but deep down there is something in me saying that there is no way that i am going to make such a compromise. i want to be the grotesque garden, i want to be the black dahlia- but can i? when everything else in life is going on so well as a pessimist one just has to search for something and make a melodrama out of it. but in this case it is not a pointless melodrama at least.

others' expectations and speculations do not bother me directly. think whatever you wish about me and i do not directly care. but eventually such speculations on potential builds up within me even more expectations from myself on myself. even more. if i fail miserably, instead of crying out loud 'i have failed you all who thought i am going to explode and blossom with my potential', i would simply say 'i was deceived, by myself'. bit pathetic, eh? maybe all the whining sobbing child needs is just some sort of confirmation as 'boy i know you'll make it' from someone who knows how much potential one has.

sometimes i feel like i am looking at myself and i am a big box of christmas gift and it is only 20th.

wishing and dreaming of the gift being such flamboyant surprising, the child just cannot wait for a second more to tear the wrappings open just to see if it is the same as he imagined and wished and dreamed. but it is not christmas yet.

let me possess a thousand hearts i would still need more to be broken if after hours and hours of waiting and minutes and minutes of frantic attempts to find out the truth all i see is nothing but a box full of wet hay soaked in transparent blood instead of a pack of psychedelic black dahlia seeds as wished.

i am scared.
no i am not.
let me out. but don't come in.
i want to stay here.
who are you?
who am i?

what am i?

thank you.