i should...

...buy some kinda lottery ticket tomorrow. I don't even know where to get one actually.

"New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team."

Name that tune w/o googling and I'll give you a smooch.

I was looking out of the window, fifty storeys up in the sky.
I looked up and saw the stars, couldn't stop wondering why things can even be so ridiculously far away. Couldn't stop thinking how cool if would be to have a pair of wings. Or just possess telekinetic powers- I bet Aladdin can show me the way. I looked out of the window again, half a hundred floors from the clouds. I looked down and saw the concrete, the asphalt, the ever running traffic, the never resting traffic lights, the somewhat blurry air. Why don't I learn to get to like or at least appreciate where I am? How many people actually fancy living in a city like Hong Kong? How many people every day literally die trying to get to big cities for a hopefully better life?

And I am not satisfied. The person whom I want to be with is busy at home, my best friend's moving to helsinki. So what do I want? Sometimes I wonder if I would still be complaining if I'm with whom I want and if I'm living in somewhere that I like, doing something that I like. I wonder if I would still be complaining even if I'm working in theatres. I talked about it before- people are constantly trying to be something that they are not, if not something that they cannot be. If we are all satisfied and want to stay as it is, we won't be doing anything, nor making even any slight changes in our daily routines.

Wait. So I'm not changing anything oin my life at the moment. Am I starting to get used to sitting at the same place, eating, getting fat and lazy, trying to read, watching all the world cup matches? Shit.

I wonder.

I guess now I'm the one who is floating in a huge tank of goo emerged in eternal darkness. Stuck. Craving for a sparkle or even a rope or a hand to pull me out. Goo. I wonder if the goo is transparent, black or green. I wonder if the goo is poisonous- well it better not. At least it doesn't taste like anything I know. I am all filled with it now. All my cavities my nose my mouth my ears my stomach my balls my ass. I wonder if I was captured and kept here, or if I stumbled across this trap by mistake so I can only blame myself for all this void mess that I'm stuck in? I can vaguely feel some other vibrations through the goo. Wonder if it's someone outside the tank talking or someone like me, struggling for help, struggling for the warm touch of a certain finger tip. If there's really a person inside the tank, would she be the one looking for my finger tip, like I'm longing for a specific one to return? What if it was only some dying twitch? Then I guess sooner or later I'll be able to meet my only hope, dead. Dead bodies don't move. Then again I rather be searching for a living sweet hope all my life, knowing somehow I'm going to know how it feels like once again, than to suddenly stumble across a false, dead hope once again.

Brauche dich viel,
so viel-

komm hier, kannst du







bitte, jetzt,
und




hilf mir.