Have you ever...

... had the weird feeling of something grabbing or pulling your heart from the inside? I probably mean the feeling of being nervous. No, not nervous. The little bit of adrenaline rush from time to time, like before a performance, before a fencing match. I actually like it, if it doesn't come so often and provided I can smoke and drink whenever I feel like.

It has been weird. I am going to Canada in less than 2 weeks. I have so many little adrenaline rushes recently yet I can't enjoy it with a nice Davidoff. Annoying. This is probably the first time in years that I really feel pressure about studying. I know I cannot screw it up too much in university since I need a scholarship and after all I am planning to major in theatre so I guess I should pay attention to my future classes. If I screw up university that basically means I screw up my future. I have to be good to find a job. I have to find a job to stay in Canada. I have to...

Argh.

Whoever hands me a package of original Davidoff cigarettes will be highly appreciated.

I can just foresee so many challenges coming up in my life in the next 4 or 5 years. Major screw-it-up-and-you-will-rot-forever challenges I am talking about, I guess. I have to try everything I can to stay in touch with Salome, I gotta do well in school to go on getting scholarships, I have to learn well in my theatre courses since it is literally a preparation for my future, I have to take part in produdctions to gain experience, I have to get connections to secure a job after graduating, I gotta look for an apartment by the end of the spring term, I have to plan what to do in my summer- balancing between travelling and working...

I have never met such problems, not even the biggest exams I did back in Hong Kong. It's scary and exicting at the same time. I would really like to know how it is to live independently, completely. Then again I am actually afraid of the process of fitting into the adult society.

Screw it, a cig I said.